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Should I Tell Her Or Not?

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Thomas View Drop Down
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    Posted: January 11 2000 at 8:38pm
This relates to hair politics in an odd way.I am a 27 year old man and I am balding terribly. I have been corresponding with a woman I met on one of the hair boards and when she asked me for a photo, I sent her one that did not show my thinning hair.It shows my hair, but not how badly it has thinned in the last 2 years since the photo ws taken.Things are going well, but I have had so many women get turned off by my lack of hair that I am worried about what to do. Do I tell her before we get to the "let's meet" which is about here and give her a chance to back out or do I meet her and let her be the judge.It bums me out how people are so judgemental about hair loss. Yes, I have tried Propecia and other things, but my dad was completely bald by my age so I think I am doomed.Thanks,Thomas,Karen & Jeff - great forum.
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Ally View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ally Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: January 11 2000 at 8:38pm
Thomas--There are two possibilities: One is that this woman won't care about your hairline. The other is that she will. It's not an issue of her being "judgmental." We all have our own beauty aesthetic, and it's a difficult thing to override. For example, I'm not attracted to blond men or short men. There's nothing wrong with them; it's just my taste. If an online romantic prospect sent me a picture of someone tall, dark, and handsome--and told me it was him--and then he turned out to be stout and fair-haired when I met him, I'd be disappointed.On the other hand, if he sent me an accurate likeness, I'd know from the outset that he's not my usual type. I might forgo meeting him, OR I might decide that I liked him enough to see him anyway. I'd get used to the idea that he's not my "type." There would be no unpleasant shock factor when we finally met.Either way, you have to tell her or send an updated photo. You're actually setting yourself up to get hurt this way.Try not to dismiss her as superficial. No doubt you have physical preferences and hangups too.Good luck,Ally
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Victor View Drop Down
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I don't think the question is whether you tell so much as when you tell. You can't hide it forever. When you decide to tell is entirely up to you, I think.I have one other comment, though. Don't look at your dad to see if you are going to bald. The baldness gene is passed on the X chromosome, which, to a son, is passed to the next generation only by the mother, so you need to look at your mom's side of the family specifically:your mother's brothersyour mother's mother's brothersyour mother's sister's sonsetc.This is true for the common forms of male-pattern baldness. There are rarer forms of baldness whose genetics work differently.
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Regina View Drop Down
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Thomas,If you are not honest with this person immediately it would seriously dampen the relationship right away. If she does decide that she doesn't want to date you because you are balding then it's her loss and your gain. No one should be with a person who is shallow and judges everyone by their looks. Also for the record there are many attractive men who are balding. One of my best friend's in college was pracitcally bald and he always had a grilfriend (or two!!!). men like Ed Harris and Bruce Willis are extremely attractive and yes they are balding. Don't lose sight that there are many women out there who find balding men more attractive. Self convidence is a definite woman magnet so don't lose yours! Good Luck!Regina
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Jade21 View Drop Down
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> Hi, Thomas!I know you are wrangling with a tough issue, but I am just going to tell you what I think you should do. Instinctively, my gut says tell her before you meet. Do not spring it on her at a meeting.Something tells me that you should also have some idea of how you think she may react since you have been corresponding with her for some time. Also, even if you don't, as shallow as this sounds, I think if she really likes you a lot, she will be able to adjust in her own mind.I had a great male friend who shaved off his hair this summer. I hadn't seen him for about two months. The last time I saw him, he was letting his hair grow. His hair is beautiful. It always puts a big smile on my face. When I saw him, I was quite shocked to see no hair. I told him this up front and we had quite a talk. He said it was just too hot for the kind of work he did this summer (construction) and he would let it grow like crazy this winter which he has. But, after our talk in person, I called him and apologized. I told him that I loved him very much and not for his hair:) I had thought about what if he were permanently without hair. Then, I picked up the phone:)I hope this helps, Thomas.All the Best,Jade21This relates to hair politics in an odd way.> I am a 27 year old man and I am balding terribly. I> have been corresponding with a woman I met on one of> the hair boards and when she asked me for a photo, I> sent her one that did not show my thinning hair.> It shows my hair, but not how badly it has thinned in> the last 2 years since the photo ws taken.> Things are going well, but I have had so many women> get turned off by my lack of hair that I am worried> about what to do. Do I tell her before we get to the> "let's meet" which is about here and give> her a chance to back out or do I meet her and let her> be the judge.> It bums me out how people are so judgemental about> hair loss. Yes, I have tried Propecia and other> things, but my dad was completely bald by my age so I> think I am doomed.> Thanks,> Thomas,> Karen & Jeff - great forum.
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I think you should tell her before meeting her in person. I think it's cute when men are honest about their insecurities rather than trying to 'play it cool' and pretend that they are not aware of their apearance. And you won't help yourself by waighting because she is going to find out eventualy, and you'll get 'points' for being honest sooner. And hopefully, she won't care. Hope this helps.
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KAREN View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote KAREN Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: January 11 2000 at 8:39pm
Hi Thomas,OK...well I have to tell you a story. I knew this really cool guy that was very overweight. He was the best person in the world. Smart, funny and very caring. He also had major problems with women because they really could not get past his weight.He met this beautiful (she sent him her picture) female on the Net through AOL on one of the chats. He sent her a photo of himself from many years before and he looked like he was a normal weight (it was just his face in the photo).They got to the point where she wanted him to visit her and spend the weekend. He STILL had not told her about his major weight problem.He got on a plane, flew to meet her and it was a total disaster. She was horrible to him at the airport. In fact, she walked away from him and just left him there. No excuses for her, she was awful. But he was totally crushed.I remember this well because he was my dear friend and he called me long distance from the airport in tears. I did not tell him that I told him so. Because it would have been a really mean thing to do in light of his situation.He got back on the plane and came home. Totally crushed.About 1 year later he met another woman, again on a chat. This time, he told her right up front that he had a major weight problem and she DID NOT CARE. They met, fell in love and got married. They are currently very happy.So the moral of the story. Honesty is the very best policy.Tell this lady. If she has class, it won't matter. If it does matter. Run. Who needs someone that superficial?????Best wishes to you.Karen> This relates to hair politics in an odd way.> I am a 27 year old man and I am balding terribly. I> have been corresponding with a woman I met on one of> the hair boards and when she asked me for a photo, I> sent her one that did not show my thinning hair.> It shows my hair, but not how badly it has thinned in> the last 2 years since the photo ws taken.> Things are going well, but I have had so many women> get turned off by my lack of hair that I am worried> about what to do. Do I tell her before we get to the> "let's meet" which is about here and give> her a chance to back out or do I meet her and let her> be the judge.> It bums me out how people are so judgemental about> hair loss. Yes, I have tried Propecia and other> things, but my dad was completely bald by my age so I> think I am doomed.> Thanks,> Thomas,> Karen & Jeff - great forum.
TAKE CARE WITH YOUR HAIR!
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Tell her, she's going to see you eventually anyway. If she doesn't want to meet you because of a silly thing like hair, it will save you much time and heartache if you know that up front. I woman of substance doesn't fall in love with your hair, she falls in love with you. Stop apologizing for who you are. I bet you would be surprised, when you stop making the hair thing an issue, people around you probably will too.
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I agree with those on this forum who have implored you to tell her. Not for her benefit, however, but for yours. You might as well know right up front what kind of person you are dealing with. Another thought. Every human being on the face of this planet has what they or others might perceive to be flaws. Going bald might be a flaw or it might not. Hear this. It could be the perfect opportunity for you to wow her with your sexy self-confidence. It is generally expected of men who are balding to be apologetic and insecure about their lack of hair, so when YOU aren't, when you in fact deal with it, embrace it, and clearly love and accept yourself, not in spite of it but because of it, you get to display almost superhuman self-confidence that is way more attractive to a woman than a nice hairdo. The key is that you've got to focus on what you have to offer, not your perceived flaws. What do you have to offer? If you are a total bozo, then forget it. It's not going to matter whether you have hair or not. I doubt very seriously that you are. So what do you have? A great body? A brilliant mind? Good dancing feet? Fabulousness in bed? Many of my female friends think the balding guy (Mulder and Scully's boss) on the X-files is incredibly hot. But he clearly plays up his assets. I also personally thought Yul Brenner was a stud, and he had no hair. At all. So, there you go. Probably way more of an answer than you wanted. The bottom line is, be a good guy, be sexy, dress well, stay in shape and work your brain, and you can have any woman you want. Whether you have hair or not.
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