To Cindy: Don't Let These Women Intimidate You..About Anything:)

Hi, Cindy!I read your response and further commentary about your situation re your hair choice. First, I thought your initial response about your reasons for liking longer hair on yourself was sound and heart-felt.Second, I read about your female co-workers and what I wanted to say to you was that this is common regardless of your age. I am in my 20's and have had inappropriate, rude and sometimes viscious comments from girls and supposed women from the time my hair was shoulder length to the present at derriere length. Please don't let them intimidate you or make you feel that you have to consult with or take their opinions regarding anything. It is more than possible to maintain your independence and have sound friendships with female co-workers. However, you have to realize that once they feel that they have the control, they will continue with rude, thoughtless,and inappropriate comments and actions.Please do not allow them to pull your hair. This is what I am talking about. All you have to do is simply turn to whomever and say, "Please don't do that," while looking them directly in the eye. In such a situation, the idea is to make them feel embarrased. Have to say, works most of the time:)As for the comment from the woman about longer hair bringing your face down and making you look older, I'll tell you what a woman with whom I used to work did to handle this situation. Before working for myself, I worked in an office situation with a woman who was in her 50's, very intelligent and outspoken and had ultra-long blonde hair (past her derriere). I can remember one woman who was in her 30's or so remarking to this woman in front of other people that she would look much better with a cut closer to her ears because she would look so much younger. This woman turned to the other and said that she was surprised at such a remark coming from such a young woman, and that she was too young to have such archaic notions. The woman was speechless. She kept her mouth shut from then on.All the Best,Jade21

> As for the comment from the woman about longer hair> bringing your face down and making you look older,> I'll tell you what a woman with whom I used to work> did to handle this situation. Before working for> myself, I worked in an office situation with a woman> who was in her 50's, very intelligent and outspoken> and had ultra-long blonde hair (past her derriere). I> can remember one woman who was in her 30's or so> remarking to this woman in front of other people that> she would look much better with a cut closer to her> ears because she would look so much younger. This> woman turned to the other and said that she was> surprised at such a remark coming from such a young> woman, and that she was too young to have such archaic> notions. The woman was speechless. She kept her mouth> shut from then on.> All the Best,> Jade21Oh Jade, this story is priceless :-)Thanks for sharing it...BTW I agree with what Kent said too :-)Take care,Dave

> Jade21,> Thank you for your thoughtful comments to Cindy.> Although this was directed primarily to her, it will> be helpful to anyone who has or is growing their hair> long. And that includes 52 year old men like me!> You always have intelligent, well-thought out> responses and I want you to know I appreicate them!> Kent

I cut my hair the last time mainly because I felt outnumbered and unsure of myself. I can't tell you all how nice it is to have such positive encouragement. There are so few women I know my age with long hair I sometimes feel strange and unusual in not necessarily a good way. I think my main fear is that I come across like I'm trying desperately to hold on to my youth in some weird, twisted Baby Jane way. 40 is the beginning of a new decade and I just want to do it with dignity. That is why I so often keep an open mind and don't really address the rude comments. Part of me wonders if they are on my side and are trying to help me - that maybe they know something I don't and are trying to stop me from looking rediculous. I'm sure shrewder personalities sense they DO have the upper hand. Seeing that woman's hair and having you all back me up has really boosted my confidence. Confidence is definately what I need to counter wishy-washy replies. You're very right Jade, I must definately work on gaining control to stop these annoying digs. Your story was great too! Thank you also Kent, I really appreciate your concern and encouragement. Cindy

Cindy,Your message sure rang a bell for me and I want to add a few more comments regarding some of the issues you shared.> I cut my hair the last time mainly because I felt> outnumbered and unsure of myself.I understand how easy it is to give in and make hairstyle decisions based on the opinion of others. Constant criticism and comments can wear a person down and cause us to do things we later regret.I decided when I was in high school (in the early 60¹s) that I liked long hair, but spent the next 25 years growing it, then cutting it, because I didn¹t want to offend others. Sometimes I felt okay with my short hair (and the acceptance it would provide) and other times I felt like I had ³sold out to the other side.²> There are so few women I know my age with long hair I> sometimes feel strange and unusual in not necessarily> a good way.Talk about feeling strange and unusual, I¹ve been there! There are no other long haired men in my social circle, plus the few I know are only casual acquaintances at work (and all much younger!) And as far as out in public, men just do not go up to one another and say ³I like your long hair². I tend to smile and say ³hello² to anyone I meet, but getting a smile or acknowledgement from another longhaired man is almost nonexistent!I am getting used to being ³unusual² with my long hair, but that has taken a long time. My artistic temperament and quiet nature don¹t fit the typical ³macho male² image and also tend to sometimes set me apart. But it certainly does not make me any less of a value to society!>I think my main fear is that I come across> like I'm trying desperately to hold on to my youth in> some weird, twisted Baby Jane way.Who says wearing your hair long is holding on to your youth? Sure it is a struggle to grow older, and each of us has our own way of trying to feel younger, but it is a ridiculous assumption by our society that an older woman should wear her hair short! It¹s much like the ³idea² that a man shouldn¹t have long hair. On what basis? That the person might show some individuality? or might just be more comfortable that way?If your desire is to have long hair, doing it shows strength of character to be yourself and not like everyone else. To me that shows far more maturity then bending to some so-called cultural expectations.>40 is the beginning> of a new decade and I just want to do it with dignity.Yes, and being true to yourself goes along way to maintaining that dignity! :-)> That is why I so often keep an open mind and don't> really address the rude comments. Part of me wonders> if they are on my side and are trying to help me -> that maybe they know something I don't and are trying> to stop me from looking rediculous.I can relate to the struggle and fear of looking ridiculous. Let me share an example. I remember a fellow who came to work in my building (about three and a half years ago) just after I had cut my hair short (the last time!) He wore hair to his waist and at first wore it only in a ponytail. Shortly after he arrived he asked his supervisor if she minded him wearing it loose, and she said that was okay. I use this to illustrate several points.... First, I was really hurting inside about my lost shoulder length hair and his hair was a constant reminder of what I had lost. Second, I had to admit he did look ³unusual², especially when he wore his hair loose. We are culturally accustomed to seeing women in long hair, but not men. He may have looked somewhat ridiculous, but I didn¹t care. That is what I wanted. As another example, I still find it ³unusual² to see women with extremely short hair. That is a cultural prejudice that I have ³learned² based on years of ³visual experience.² I have had to adjust my thinking to accept those women as much as I expect others to accept my long hair. To me that represents growth in my life, which is good.>I'm sure shrewder> personalities sense they DO have the upper hand.Actually they are just showing their deep seated need to control others. They are in no way superior. If they truly had wisdom they would not be telling you what you should do.> Seeing that woman's hair and having you all back me up> has really boosted my confidence. Confidence is> definately what I need to counter wishy-washy replies.Keep that confidence and remember those replies are just as you stated... wishy-washy!I recall Dave making a comment that for him growing long hair has been a character building experience. When I first read that I agreed, but as I have thought about it more and more I realize how profound that statement truly is!What have I learned that builds character? Let me share my list:1. I have learned to respect others who are different. I was raised to appreciate and accept the differences in others, but growing my hair long has reinforced that training. When I encounter others, who don¹t fit the pattern I expect, I must remind myself that they deserve the same kind of respect that I want from them.2. I have developed the strength to overcome adversity and negative comments. I am learning to not allow myself to overeact or get upset over these comments but to just toss them off. I can choose how to react and I choose to not let it get me down (easy to say, not easy to practice).3. I realize that just because someone makes a negative comment, I don¹t have to go off in a corner and have a ³pity party², nor do I need to yield to their suggestion and cut my hair.4. I have learned that others often make comments without thinking, or based on reasons I don¹t understand. Sometimes someone might make a negative comment out of jealousy, lack of understanding, meanness, or just because they like to ³control² others. Perhaps the person had long hair and wishes they could grow it back. They lash out to hide the pain inside..... or maybe they just had a big fight with their spouse and this is a way to vent. I try to understand where the other person is coming from.5. I have learned to have strength and confidence in my convictions. As long as it isn¹t immoral, wrong, or cause injury to others, I have the right to do as I please. This is a free country.6. I am learning that I like myself better when I do what pleases me. Long hair pleases me and I like my self wearing it long.7. I am learning that I can have more confidence as my hair grows longer. I have always been a somewhat passive person, but I¹m becoming bolder as I gain confidence in myself.8. I have learned that I don¹t have to please everyone all the time. You can¹t do that anyway and if we tried to please everyone we would be like a ³yo-yo.²9. I might give someone else courage to do the same. Many times what please ³me² the most is helping others. There may be other guys out there who would like to grow their hair long but haven¹t had the courage. Perhaps I might provide some of the incentive they need. And perhaps some woman might think, ³if he can grow his hair long why can¹t I?²10. I have made some great new friends (i.e. this board, e-mail correspondents) that I can share with, learn from, and encourage. Their feedback gives me strength, encouragement and also can help build my character as I gain new insight.I could add more to this list, but this shows much of how my character is developing just from growing my hair, and also the many things I have learned from this experience. It has helped my confidence, my convictions, and my personal development.>Thank you also Kent, I really> appreciate your concern and encouragement.You are very welcome! It is very meaningful to me to give encouragement to someone else.Cindy, I hope some of my words can be of comfort to you, not only in growing your hair long, but also as you live your life. May you find peace in your resolve, and joy in the knowledge that the happier you feel inside the more beautiful you will appear to others!Congratulations on your new decade and the resolution to live it with dignity. May you be successful AND happy!Kent

Hey John,I really appreciated your comment. It was very encouraging to me and the kind of support that I think is really valuable from this board. You stood by your convictions and were successful in getting the job you wanted AND keeping your long hair! GOOD FOR YOU!Good luck in your hair growing goals. I hope you are successful in getting it to exactly the length you want!Kent

To Kent, Dave and John- Thank you for some very zen responses! I've never viewed the growing of one's hair as a philosophy before and I find this concept intoxicating in its possibilities. It does build character to walk a different road. While conformity is definitely easier, it doesn't stretch the imagination or test personal strengths that may otherwise remain hidden under easier circumstances. There's definately more to this than meets the eye.I know what it's like to be an older woman with long hair but I never really thought about the difficulties and isolation that a man faces in the same position. To remain focused on your goal must have required much discipline.I can see I have a lot to learn about the way I veiw myself and the way I veiw the world. It does go much deeper than simply hair. The good news is I have the second half of this life to do it. I'm so glad I posted, you have no idea how good I feel now! Thank you for sharing your wisdom and good wishes. Cindy