QuoteReplyTopic: Long hair on boys: follow-up Posted: September 07 2002 at 9:14am
To Tina, Ally and whomever may be interested.
I don`t really know where to start. I`m a guy in his mid twenties who consider himself anticomformistic; I`ve always looked for my own way and have always felt almost a social outcast. This latter thing has to do more with my personal sensations than with social acceptance which has, on the contrary, been quite all right. Anyway I`ve always been somehow lonely and independent. This kind of introduction was necessary to avoid some misunderstandings.
I`ve read attentively the thread “long hair on boy ok or not?” and I`d like to add a couple of thoughts. First of all, even if I hate social norms and I’m inclined not to abide by them unless I believe in them, I think it`s naive staving off all the time other people opinion and judgements as if one was always surrounded by a bunch of nosey, brainless, conservative lot. We should keep in count what other people say. Each of us lives in a particular social and relational environment and need to come to grips with it. I can move out (not everybody actually can). Or I can choose to be an outcast if I hate the values carried on in a society. But I`m aware of the consequences- being a grown-up- I`m evaluating pros and cons. I like Duke`s arguments about imposing choices on kids and I guess what I`m saying has many points in common with those. I believe it`s senseless believing it`s possible not to influence children with one`s ideas, preferences and behaviours. Nonetheless if somebody`s choices are really out of the ordinary and are precluding the way of life generally aknowledged as "appropriate", well, I think they should think twice before letting their children in. Allowing kids to become free thinkers pass more through giving them the tools to make up their own opinions than through making them visibly different and, want it or not, putting a label on them. After all social acceptance is an asset (all the more for a kid) and being anticomformistic means simply valuing being yourself more than that. The real question is: which degree of social acceptance am I ready to give up to be myself? (which of course depends on the degree of incompatibility of the two things)
Can I ask you a few questions? Are those two boys only child? Is there any craving for a daughter? Are you letting/making them try other typically womanly stuff (your jewels for instance)?
Growing up, in my humble and unauthoritative opinion, means building a self image and self perception; first perceiving the rest of the world as "something else" in relation to the self, then in a trial-and-error and opposition-comparison way (I reckon I haven`t been that clear). In order for this process to be accomplished kids need to find in their chums similiraties and the possibility to relate, as well as differences. Gender consciousness, gender acceptance and gender self recognition obviously play a part in it, and since early childhood sexual related meaning are attached to those cornerstones. IMHUO (just as before) construction of self and of subjective sexual sphere are delicate processes; they can be "perturbed" quite easily and then they have a very deep influence on one`s whole life.
I`m sure you`re perfect moms. Newsgroup are made to discuss though, aren`t they? Thus I wrote just having in mind the purpose of stimulating discussion and maybe to let you mull over a bit whether or not you`re walking on a thin line I’m eagerly longing for comments.
disclaimer: I`m not an orthodox freudian. I`m aware of the clumsy lexical choice of "appropriate" and "perturbed". I’m not suggesting to cut your sons’ hair. No parenting experience.
sorry for the long message If there are any mistakes or awkward structure and idioms I apologise, I`m not an english native speaker
Me-myself-&-I
dianefromcanada
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The real question is: which degree of social acceptance am I ready to give up to be myself? (which of course depends on the degree of incompatibility of the two things)
That`s a good question. I believe you can give up some degree of social acceptance when you can fend for yourself. It is a not a crime to go with the flow and once in a while one can be a rebel at the right time in life.
dianefromcanada
Kev
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maybe a mane with layers that frame your face, you could wear it that way if you want your hair to be beautiful and turn heads, or just comb it back if you want casual
chrissy88
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A belated response to this topic, as I am just now a new member here.
I think for long hair on boys the basic concern (not an absolute problem) is that they often would get it in their eyes, and the way they run and carry themselves is not as flattering as the way a girl would move and help prevent her hair flying into her face. Also by comparison girls know that hair is an important part of their appearance and acceptance and therefore take better care of their hair and appearance.
I believe that such patterns and attitudes can be improved, not as in being feminine but more aware of good self care and posture. Finding and maintaining good hair styles is important and trying out new ways to control any hair is important, so frequent trims, not so much falling into eyes, also styling with subtle hair clips and bands is good. Teaching the boy to carry himself well is also good in general, but helps balance with the more attractive look that longer hair can bestow on him. Good style and demeanor, for a boy or gentleman, be encouraged. Also as with any child giving positive praising of his better hair and clothing even appearance helps, and reminders of doing the regular hair care regiment is good (combing each day, wearing the control bands or clips, etc.), and even association with the right other kids can be important both for a classy and educated bringing up. Much of this attitude is not new, but been simply put to the sidelines over recent time, as back to when boys did have beautiful long and styled hair, and before the "unkempt and unruly" type became the norm.
So, without forcing your son into wearing long hair if he doesn't want to, but if he wants long hair or even try out new styles (even more traditional feminine ones) then first explain that it's fine as long as he is willing to take care of it, and do the things that will be it looking good and in control. And do the reminders and praising to encourage this and better behavior overall. If he is lucky enough to have a sister then later suggest she might be able to give him hair pointers, plus a good stylist that can suggest a variety of interesting and versatile styles, for more private and public display. In the end, if you and him act positive and encouraging, not barely tolerated, then I think you both can be pleased, as long hair on boys can be both a subtle means to better behavior, and developing his individuality and character even. But beware once a bit older he might have a lot of girl friends as a result as well....or just girls as friends!
And of course if it doesn't work out you can always have it cut.
Chrissy
Edited by chrissy88 - June 11 2007 at 6:40pm
To enter, endure and in time to accept one's destined transformation and fly into the heavens of life....is to be closer to the God that created you.
LadyinDiamonds
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Long hair can look good on a handsome masculine man, but less so on a boy.
Just as short hair can look good on a beautiful woman but less so on a girl.
People when they are adults have more developed masculine or feminine
features and bodies. So those styles works better for men and women.
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