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Compliments and Criticisms

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Elissa View Drop Down
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    Posted: June 24 2003 at 10:09pm
One of the things I really love is receiving compliments on how good I look now that I've lost a lot of weight. I really eat it up, because it simply feels great!

I remember about ten years ago, I had lost a lot of weight and received a lot of compliments at work. But then some months later I lost it, and began regaining weight very rapidly. Two rude people at work said something about it. One said "oh my, what happened???" and another said "are you getting plump?" I wanted to smack them!!!! But I ignored them instead, which I believe is the classy thing to do. But boy did I fume over these comments when alone with my thoughts!!!

I thought about this a great deal over the years. Even though I can't imagine how people could be so rude, I sort of opened myself up to it by allowing the positive comments.

How did you handle both negative and positive comments that people have made about your body size or dieting progress (or lack thereof)? What do you think about this topic? Do you give compliments to others relating to their dieting progress/size? Does this story make you feel differently about giving comments?

I haven't thought of this in a long time, but I will now think twice about the things I say to others.

Thanks for sharing your experiences and opinions.

Elissa
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Sophie View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Sophie Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June 25 2003 at 7:30pm
You know, I don't know if I'm just, real straight forward with people (men and women), or if I just don't come across, at all vulnerable.

But I gotta tell ya, no one has ever....even when I was younger....said rude or *****y things to me. (and if they had, I bet they wouldn't do it again.)

When I was younger I would have turned it right back on them with sarcasm. But now, I'm not half as ferocious...takes too much energy.... I would just smile look them straight in the eye and say,"that question, is a bit personal, don't you think?" or "what's your point?....nevermind don't tell me...I'm sure there wasn't one."

I bet those people have passive agressive personalities....and the only way to deal with that is nailing them.

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Elissa View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Elissa Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June 25 2003 at 8:06pm
Sophie,

You know, I am not one to take crap from people. But I was so shocked in both of these cases, I didn't think of appropriate responses until much later. Plus, it was at work, and I was in an extremely politically sensitive position (director of internal audit), so I had to be very diplomatic all the time.

Just for the record, one of these women was FAT and the other was an extremely wrinkled 75 year old woman!

Elissa
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Sophie View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Sophie Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June 26 2003 at 6:36am
Hi Eliss, I see your position. I really haven't had to worry about Office edicate. Salon Politics perhaps, which, when I wasn't self employed, it was pretty much "Hold your own or Die" , even with my Boss.LOL.

I do love being self employed.

Your point about really thinking twice before you speak, IS important.

I must admit, I have suffered from "Foot in Mouth" disease from time to time.

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Giles View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Giles Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June 26 2003 at 4:15pm
Hi Elissa,

I have seen these kinds of comments cause people lots of pain, but I wonder if that isn't just the flip side of the pleasure you get from the compliments.

Frankly, I don't like getting any comments one way or the other about my weight, since the compliments can make me complacent.

In your case, though, it sounds as though the women in question were probably indulging in a bit of shadenfreude. This last is a lovely German word meaning "joy from bad" and refers to peoples regrettable ability to find pleasure in other folks pain. In such a case, I think it is best to just ignore them.
Giles
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Orc View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Orc Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June 28 2003 at 2:07am
Hi Elissa,
I think in general ignoring rude people is the way to go. Keeping the moth shut doesn’t mean you can be walked all over.
I used to explode whenever anyone was rude to me but then I was only upsetting myself and satisfying him or her!
I have learnt to keep my mouth shut and keep going. It is the best way.
At work it is a tricky one
Although I speak English fluently and very well since it is not my mother language, a few years back my ex boss used to make fun of my accent the whole time and not only that, in front of strangers too. I hated it so much day in and day out. I hated that woman so much but I always kept my mouth shut. Well, I told her that I really did not like it but that didn’t help.
The sad thing is that she walked with a limp since she needed to have her both hips replaced! Of course I could have picked on her walk but I was only getting to her level not to forget she was 20 older than I am.
Finally decided to leave the company and move on.
4 years later I had a phone call from somebody that I worked with in that company and was telling me that my ex boss has been diagnosed with brain tumor and in the last stages. And I was told that she has changed a lot and she is not the same person that I knew. And I was asked to phone her and give her my support.
Believe me, and you might think I am mean and nasty but I couldn’t forget the times that she made fun of my accent, fun of the food I eat (no strange food, it was only healthy food I eat), fun of the fact that I was into health and fitness.
I can still remember it all. I thought she could go to hell!
I hope you don’t think that I am not sympathetic! I am but this woman caused my body and brain to break. I could no longer speak in front of strangers thinking they would make fun of my accent which by the way everyone thought it was nice and I lost a lot of weight at the time and had spots all over my body from the stress.
Sorry the story is a bi too long
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SuperGrover View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote SuperGrover Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June 28 2003 at 2:53pm
Orc, what an awful story! *hug* I dunno what to say. Some people just don't understand how to appreciate people's differences.
On a side note, I must say I love your icon. It cracks me up!

As for compliments about weight...
I honestly seem to be the only person in my office that is not on a diet! So I've been working there for 2 years (as a temp!!) and the only co-worker that has visibly lost weight in these 2 years is just amazing. We now work on different floors, so we don't see each other much anymore. I saw her on an elevator a couple weeks ago, and I probably hadn't seen her when she wasn't wearing a heavy winter coat in months. My jaw just hit the ground! She was so thin! I had to say something because I couldn't hide the reaction on my face.

I never compliment anyone on their weight, because I think so many people are so self-concious about it that I think we'd all be better off if we just stopped paying any mind to it, whether it is good or bad.
Besides, I feel like by saying, "Wow you are so thin!" what you are really saying is "You were so heavy before!"

But she seemed pleased at the compliment. She worked really hard to lose all the weight, doing Weight Watchers and exercising every day. I know it was quite an accomplishment and she worked really hard at it.
"Hair is a part of you. It is not a part of me, because I am a frog." - Kermit the Frog on Sesame Street1b/N/ii ~ ??"/27"/32"
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jennifer Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June 30 2003 at 1:50am
I'm very sorry about the negative comments you received.

I'm sure that some (especially Tina) will get bent all out of shape when I mention this, but I honestly think that this is an excellent reason not to give unsolicited comments about appearance (which is, by large, an American phenomenon).

If people notice that you've lost weight, you bet they'll notice if you gain it!

Wouldn't it be so nice if people paid a lot more attention to what's on the inside instead of what's on the outside.....?

It just seems rather shallow to place so much importance on how other people look. I can't help but think that we become very self-conscious when people mention our bodies (or hair).

I've had friends who have lost or gained weight, and really it didn't matter. I was just happy to see the person!
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Elissa View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Elissa Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June 30 2003 at 6:37am
I've really enjoyed reading all of the comments. I have to agree, we'd all be a lot better off paying more attention to what's on the inside, rather than on the outside. And it's probably better not to make any comments about other people's bodies, good or bad. That's really hard sometimes though. Especially for people like me who enjoy paying compliments and helping others to feel good. If I see something that looks nice, I like to tell the person. I will surely think twice about it the next time, though.

Elissa

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Jennifer View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jennifer Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: June 30 2003 at 7:29am
Especially for people like me who enjoy paying compliments and helping others to feel good.

But there are so many ways to do this without getting personal about the body. If you haven't seen a friend for a long time, regardless of whether she's gained or lost weight, you can simply be exuberant when you say, "It's so WONDERFUL to see you!!" That way, you can say the same thing, even if she's gained weight and is wearing her hair in a style that you find is not attractive at all!

You can tell someone that you really enjoy his company, as well.
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