How can I get my hair put right??

Sorry for the long saga but I have to explain properly.

My hair's probably mostly gray (it's been coloured for years so I can't be sure but the roots certainly are). I got fed up of semi-permanent colours (always done at a salon) that looked washed out after a couple of weeks, so in August I had a permanent copper dye put in with 50% light blond base. I found it too bright so the next time the hairdresser used 75% base (light + dark blond) and a darker copper but it was STILL too bright. After 3 weeks I went back to my previous hairdresser and asked her if she could mute it down a bit. She put another permanent red in but was alarmed to see it came out very bright again, so she then put a semi-permanent blond/dark blond color in. It now looks much too DARK - even after a couple of weeks washing.

What's the matter? Why can't I get my hair the color I want it - a nice pleasant shade of auburn brown like the pictures I show them. Is there any way of lightening what I have now? It would have looked fine on me 20 years ago but just makes me look older now (I think).

Would highlights help me out of my present problem and if so what color?

Thanks for any help from the experts here.