I feel *so* bad for my piano student

> Hi! I am a piano teacher, and today one of my 11 year> old students came to her lesson w/ her previously> long, healthy, beautiful mid-back length hair hacked> off into a pixie cut. She was almost in tears, and> told me that her mother made her cut her hair for some> strange, unknown reason. This girl is *very* mature> for her age, and takes care of her own hair, so there> was no legitimate reason for this haircut. I'm> wondering if it gave the mother a power trip, or was> motivated by jealousy, or *what*. It is one thing to> have short hair if you want it, but it is quite> another thing to have a forced haircut. What is up w/> this? I wanted to scream at this mother, and tell her> what a witch she is, but I couldn't. I tried to> comfort my student by telling her that when she isYOU HYPOCRITES!!!!You have concern for one persons emotions when they are forced to cut their hair. But, when it comes to a man wanting to grow hair long or in some style that Society dictates as improper for a man to wear. We all get so uptight that the veins in our forehead just about rupture.Where is this "EQUALITY" that women want so bad for all of us (including men I hope). Is it considered EQUAL to allow one sex to do things that the other sex can't do? If we have a true equality thing going on here, we would not impede others from what they feel they want to do. As long as it doesn't hurt anyone or violate anyones rights.> older, she can grow her hair as long as she wants to.> Have any of the rest of you ever seen psycho moms> forcing haircuts on kids that ARE old enough to take> care of their own hair?> Dawn

Hi other Dawn,What a sad, sad tale. The issues of parental control can be so twisted at times and have such heartbreaking consequences for the children who are the victims. My one point on this topic would be that, while it is admirable, even righteous, healing and so important for you to offer this girl support and encouragement within the confines of your relationship as her teacher, to make any attempt to reach the mother, offer insight or otherwise enlighten her might actually backfire since the mother would realize the girl has shared with you her anquish over the mothers actions and the mother may then make life even worse for the little girl since control and domination are obviously big problems for her already. Just quietly let the little girl know that she is not alone and one day she will be free and find those who support and encourage her dreams and desires. It worked best that way for me when I was a tormented pre-adolescent and teen. Trying to reach an already unsympathetic mother can become a nightmare.Good luck! What an admirable and enviable job you have, teaching piano!Very best wishes to all,Dawn> Hi! I am a piano teacher, and today one of my 11 year> old students came to her lesson w/ her previously> long, healthy, beautiful mid-back length hair hacked> off into a pixie cut. She was almost in tears, and> told me that her mother made her cut her hair for some> strange, unknown reason. This girl is *very* mature> for her age, and takes care of her own hair, so there> was no legitimate reason for this haircut. I'm> wondering if it gave the mother a power trip, or was> motivated by jealousy, or *what*. It is one thing to> have short hair if you want it, but it is quite> another thing to have a forced haircut. What is up w/> this? I wanted to scream at this mother, and tell her> what a witch she is, but I couldn't. I tried to> comfort my student by telling her that when she is> older, she can grow her hair as long as she wants to.> Have any of the rest of you ever seen psycho moms> forcing haircuts on kids that ARE old enough to take> care of their own hair?> Dawn

Before I even read any of these posts I> had the same ideas (jealousy on the mother's part,> etc.) and I wonder if the father of this child is> around and has any say in the matter? Some women are> so domineering though their men don't get to have two> words to say in the matter. If the husband is around> (or even if he's an ex-husband) I would hope he would> have some compassion for his daughter and take over> this whole mess and NOT ALLOW it. Sounds right to me,> anyway.> HollyHolly, I had the same idea. is Jamie's father around, and if so, does he have any say in his daughter's doings? The pre and early teen years are crucial in a girl's forming her idea of what her life as a woman will be. A forced *anything* is bound to hurt this, to give her a skewed view of things. Of course, she's the same person where it counts, but the outside does matter. Hearing that she is worthwhile and beautiful no matter what, is important from members of the same sex, but there's nothing to compare with a father's influence.I'm praying for Jamie and her family.Kestra

Hello All :-)Andy, I think your right on the nose here!!My sister, who has two girls, cut both of their hair short. They both have the most beautiful hair. One is a brunette, the other blonde. They had long hair and she got it cut short. When I saw the girls after they got their hair cut, they were so upset. My sister was not there, so they felt very free to talk to me about it. I am the aunt who has the longest hair, paints her nails, and even has a belly button ring. So they know I am very open to most things. I told them that they both looked good with their new cuts, and that they were no different on the inside. I did tell them that when they get a little older they can let their hair grow. I have talked to one of my other sisters about this, and we both know that this is just another form of control that my sister and her hubby feel they have over their children. They control everything with their kids. What they wear, there is this very sad story my sister Sue witnessed involving a dress. My one niece wanted wear a dress and her dad said sure, then when she put in on, he said, "go take that off", my niece was crying and asked "why, her dad said, "because I said", my sister Sue was outraged, and told my brother in law so, he said, "I am her father". What is that???? This is a form of abuse, no not physical, but emotional, yes. The girls luckily have a few people they can talk to about it. And I tell them all the time how very beautiful they are no matter what. :-)

Sounds like a scene out of "Mommie Dearest" The child has my sympathies.

> Yes, this struck me too. How could anyone just keep> cutting with a wailing child begging not to have her> hair cut, and just keep on hacking away....seems to me> that it is quite a bit sadistic.My heart goes out to this child in all sorts of ways (I had a forced haircut at eleven, too, so I know well how traumatic it is) but this is the thing that makes me very, very angry at the mother.As a former assistant manager of an accessory store, I often did the ear-piercing, especially of children. Our store had the policy that the piercer had the right to refuse if the child didn't seem ready. We could tell the difference between normal nerves and really not wanting to be pierced. When the child in my chair wailed and cried and even socked me in the jaw, she wasn't ready, so I refused. How could this stylist just go ahead and do anything that was so contrary to the actual person behind the hair.Hair can grow back relatively quickly, but self-esteem can take a lot longer, not to mention trust.Kestra

Why is this idea far-fetched?It all hinges on what a parent has a right to do as opposed to what another person has a right to do. Lets postulate:Start from the arguement that parent's have a 'right' to control their children's appearence wheras others do not, it therefore follows thatGirl's mom crops girl's hair = parental rightGirl's teacher crops girl's hair = abusive behaviourBut how far does this right extend? Is it 'true' thatGirl's mom canes girl = parental rightGirl's teacher canes girl = abuseor how aboutGirl's mom does not allow girl to wear clothes around the house = parental right?I deliberately resort to 'reductio ad abusudam' to make an intentional point here. Just because a parent or society decrees that some things are acceptable for a parent to do to a child does not mean that they are not abusive. It is also true that in some countries the legal protection for children is far more stringent than others - I think I'm right that it is illegal for anybody, parent or otherwise, to smack a child.In my book, making a kid get a haircut they don't want, which makes them feel small and humilitated, even if you are the kid's parent, is 'abusive', in that it is an abuse of your power over them. It may not be illegal, society may be happy with it, and you may reckon it is perfectly acceptable, but I am not at all comfortable with it.

> The mom has short hair, but not as short as Jaime's> hair is (Jaime is the 11 yr. old). I wouldn't call it> attractive, but it is an average short, layered style> -- nothing outlandish. Jaime's hair was quite lovely> before -- shiny, dark, thick healthy -- Pantene hair.> Evidently, hair has been a big issue for awhile. I'd> love to know what on earth this mother is thinking....> Jaime's mother is *insane*, and I have no clue what to> tell Jaime.Insane....there you have it. She is probably jealous of her daughter's youth. The daughter's pretty hair is a symbol of that youth, and the mother lashed out at the symbol of what she no longer has for herself.Z.

"It also seems that a majority of stylists are itching to chop off long hair, ponytails and braids."To add some insight...I may have a reason. Although I have a feeling that the vast majority of people with very long hair who frequent this board take exceptional care of it, I'll be honest. Most people I see in everyday life with extremely long hair don't take good care of it at all, especially the ends. And I could see where stylists would want to cut it, because it just looks so thin and wispy and unhealthy and just "hangs" there. Unfortunately, when that becomes the norm, then long hair gets a reputation as not looking attractive. And hence, stylists want to cut it to make the ends healthier. That's why we need more people with long hair to be good role models!

>> Dear Dawn:If I was in your situation I would gathered some pictures of singers that age group relate to like the spice girls etc. Then I would play up the fact that she looks as good as one of those singers/actresses.Also I would buy my little student a special gift .Something nice but not expensive to make her feel okay.Then if you are still curious about the mother I would go up to the mother and go on and on how great her daughter is in piano and her new hairstyle looks great and so was the old style . Then just stop and watch the mother to see what excuses she comes up with. She might/ might not have had a good reason but at least you would find out and not offend anyone by asking indirectly.If you find out, let us know.