How can I encourage my wife?

My wife will be 37 y/o this month and presently has 2" past bra-strap length hair and in decent condition. Almost 3 years ago she cut it to a chin length bob just after the birth of our second daughter. She really loved the bob, but since then she has let it grow long again mostly only for me I believe; which I do greatly appreciate!! She'd let it grow butt length about 8 years ago and I loved it, but then gradually shortened it over the years, till she bobbed it.

Selfishly I'd love for her to continue to grow it even longer again but, she seems to be getting tired of it, and is feeling like she is too old for long hair. We don't have any long hair specialists here to support her; She also has NO encouragement around here; Just the opposite...her mom and friends tell her she'd look "so cute" with a short cut....EERGH! I think they're just jealous.

She's not aware of all the internet sites on long hair, and I'm afraid she would see them all as a weird and inappropriate focus on just one element of women's outward appearance (does that make sense?).

I fear that if I compliment her continuously on her hair, I believe she'd think I was just attracted to her because her long hair; I think she thinks that already (of course I don't!). Therefore, I rarely compliment her for her hair. And try to tell her that I love her just in general ways. She's really not necessarily a long hair fan; She can basically take it or leave it. I think she gets bored of it, and wants something new and different.

Can you offer ANY kind of advice, support, or encouragement that I might use to pursuade her that she is not too old, and that long hair is classic, elegant, feminine, and attractive? What can I do to help encourage her?

Dear IMA,

Been there and done that! Seriously, as a 44-year-old husband who's been in the same situation, I've given a lot of thought to your question and what I could advise.

I advise (1) honesty, (2) compromise, and, most of all, (3) fun.

FIRST, you need to be honest and not beat about the bush. It sounds like your wife's long hair is your favorite feature of hers and extremely important to you, but at the same time that doesn't mean you only love her hair. You need to make both of these points clear. When we were engaged, my wife and I went to a church-sponsored program for engaged couples, in which we were encouraged to share our most private thoughts in breakout sessions with our fiance. I told my-then fiance of my love for long hair and my desire that she grow hers, so it was on the table as something of special importance to me. Even so, it wasn't until 7 years later that she grew her hair longer than shoulder length, when she was pregnant with our first daughter. (In high school, before we met, she had cut her hair from waist-length to shoulder length, and then shorter, and apparently got lots of compliments. For years afterwards, she did not want to go back to long hair).

Now, 15 years and several "grow-outs" later, my wife has gotten philosophical about it. Several times she has said that it could be worse in that I could be into all kinds of things that are potentially destructive or gross, instead of just long hair.

She also says that she wants it to be her that turns me on, not other women or the internet. So that is a point you could make with your wife in talking honestly with her.

SECOND, try compromise. Your wife having long hair is more important to you than it is to her. Similarly, there are things that are more important to her than to you. I am not ashamed to admit making "deals" with my wife to get her to keep her hair long. Perhaps you could play your own version of "let's make a deal." For example, a few months after our first daughter was born in 1989, my wife was ready to cut her then bra strap length hair. I was very opposed - it was the first time she'd had long hair since I'd met her. She had been after me for years to convert to her church (in part so our children would later attend church with both parents, something that was very important to her), which I had been resisting. I agreed to convert to her church if she would keep growing her hair. So we both gave in and got something in return. She kept her hair long for the next 5 years.

Perhaps you can "make a deal" involving something that's similarly important to your wife.

Or offer to do something she hates in return for her cheerfully growing her hair. In recent years I've done all the grocery shopping - which my wife hates doing - and most of the cooking, and I've explained that part of the reason I am glad to do so is that she continues to grow her hair out happily.

I sense you fear that, at age 37, your wife will never have long hair again once she cuts it. Perhaps you could agree ahead of time, if she does cut it in the near future, that she will grow it out again afterwards. My wife has done that twice, actually, in the past two years. Two Septembers ago, at age 42, my wife's hair badly needed a cut due to hair loss after a miscarriage. Her favorite length is shoulder length, which I find kind of boring, and it was going to mean around 8 inches cut off. I said I would not mind as long as she would grow it out again, and she readily agreed - she was ready for and needed a change, but she also did not intend never to have long hair again. She then grew it out for a year, and (after trims) regained 4 of the 8 inches that had been cut off. But then last October her sister was getting married and wanted her to be in the wedding. Knowing that my wife prefers her hair shoulder length, I said that I would not mind if she cut it back to that length - meaning that she would lose a year of growth - if she would grow it long again to bra strap length after the wedding. She was thrilled. She lost 3-4 inches, but felt she looked great at the wedding and in all the wedding photos, and now she is happily growing it, indefinitely. The power of compromise!

Finally, another form of compromise is not expecting too much. At your wife's age (37), she may not grow her hair much longer than bra-strap length again. My wife's hair now won't grow much below bra strap length, unlike her teens when her hair grew to her waist. So don't set yourself up for disappointment if your wife's won't grow much past bra-strap length, and I would not make waist-length hair your expressed goal.

THIRD, have fun! It can be hard to get much privacy with young children around, but shower together sometimes. And when you do deep condition that mane of hers, as well as combing it out, brushing it, and braiding it sometimes. You can even trim it or cut it - after our second child, 5 years after my wife first grew her hair out for me, I cut 6 inches off to take her back to her favorite, shoulder length. My wife jokingly calls me her "personal hairdresser."

If you don't want to trim or cut it (or she doesn't want you to do it), go with her if she gets a major cut. Makeovers can be a lot of fun (especially when you have an understanding beforehand that she'll grow it out again). Have her schedule her haircut appointment in the late afternoon or early evening when you have arranged to have somebody keep your kids for the night, and check into a B&B afterwards. If she does get a makeover, be sure to enjoy and praise her new look, too. So just be sure to have fun along the way. After all, it's only been 3 years since she was at chin length, so it's not the end of the world if she tries something new and different now.

As a brand new member, I'm very impressed with this board! Thanks much for the contributions thus far!! It has helped. Its greatly reassuring to know that I'm not the only one out there. Some of your advice has already changed how I see things...ie: I realize I've been pretty selfish.

BTW, Does anyone know if there has ever been a book(s) written about the WHOLE long hair philosophy (the lifestyle, care & maintainance, styles, and encouragement)? If not I nominate Karen to write it!