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Mellissa K View Drop Down
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    Posted: January 12 2000 at 1:31am
My boyfriend and I had a terrible fight tonight over my hair. AGAIN. He pressures me to grow it longer but my hair is so thin it looks terrible much longer than my shoulders.Tonight he pointed out a girl in a restaurant where we were eating. She had auburn hair to her waist. He couldn't stop talking about how great her hair looked.I got mad at the time but now I am really depressed and not sure of what to do. One part of me wants to get even and go get my hair cut really short. At least I could stop messing with it.Thanks for listening. All suggestions appreciated.Mellissa
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Dawn View Drop Down
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Mellissa, I never, ever post here but your story has really touched me and I hope I can help. As the old saying goes, don't cut off your nose to spite your face. Believe me if you chop off all your hair just to get back at your boyfriend you will be sorry you did. I know how you feel, my hair is very, very fine and my mother used to always make me wear it in those hideous pixie cuts, VERY short, no body to it, limp and flyaway. Fine hair is MUCH harder to deal with when it's short. Why don't you try wearing your hair up in a nice bun or twist while it's growing? It will look elegant and then you can start letting it down more when it's longer. You're hair is just at that awkward stage, around shoulder length, believe me, when it's longer it will look and feel great. When it's long, fine hair has more substance and you really don't notice how thin it is. My hair is to my knees and I can tell you I've loved it more and more the longer it's gotten. Don't give up! Just find an updo that's fun, try some hair accessories, whatever it takes to get you through the awkward stage if you cut it you'll be even more unhappy than you are now! Long hair is easier to care for, trust me, I know!
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Laura Jane View Drop Down
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Oh, I can understand very well how you feel! The most important thing right now is that you not make a decision in anger, but that you give things time and figure out what is most important to you. Never, ever cut your hair just because you're mad at someone else.> My boyfriend and I had a terrible fight tonight> over my hair. AGAIN. He pressures me to grow it> longer but my hair is so thin it looks terrible> much longer than my shoulders.It sounds like this is a big issue for you two. Have you tried asking him why he wants you to grow it? It may not really be long hair that he wants, but some image that he associates with it. If so, you might be able to make you both happy by doing some things to fit the image without compromising what you want.On the other hand, maybe he really does want you to have long hair for its own sake. My husband likes my hair long. I'd rather wear it short, because it's less trouble, but I feel a lot less strongly about it than he does, so I keep it long, since I don't mind particularly much. It sounds, however, as though it isn't quite that simple for you.My hair is also very fine. Keeping fine hair long is quite a trick at times, especially if yours is dry, which mine is. It requries patience and special care, which is time-consuming. However, the results really can be quite good. I always thought my hair didn't look great much past my shoulders, but I found that if I took especially good care of it, it made all the difference in the world. Many of the tips on this board helped me a lot.I'm sure that if you want long hair, you could have it. It's a question of how much work you are willing to put into it (and if you aren't willing to, that's perfectly ok), and most important, whether you really want it or not. (It sounds to me like you wouldn't mind having it long if you thought it looked good, but I might be misinterpreting.)> Tonight he pointed out a girl in a restaurant> where we were eating. She had auburn hair to her> waist. He couldn't stop talking about how great> her hair looked.> I got mad at the time but now I am really> depressed and not sure of what to do. One part> of me wants to get even and go get my hair cut> really short. At least I could stop messing with> it.Some people can be really insensitive about stuff like that. I would have been really hurt and upset if I had been in your position. It's cruel of him to go on and on about it - however, since I wasn't there, and I don't know you two, I can't say whether it was deliberate cruelty. I don't know if your boyfriend realizes how much this issue bothers you. If he doesn't understand that, maybe you should talk to him. Or maybe he's just being a jerk. Only you can judge that.Whatever you decide about your hair, it sounds to me as though you and your boyfriend need to work on this issue. I'd suggest picking a time when you're both already calm and it hasn't been brought up by something else, and planning to explain to him how you feel about it. And then be willing to listen to how he feels. Try not to get angry about it - just listen and try to understand.You may decide that you're willing to try growing your hair long, and see if it works better this time. If so, I suggest that he should help you take care of it. (That was part of the deal I made with my husband, and it makes a big difference in my willingness to put in the effort to take care of it.) He might even enjoy it! You may decide that it should simply be a forbidden topic. However, that's a decision that should be made after you understand each other's point of view.Whatever you decide, I wish you the very best of luck. This is a difficult issue to deal with, but it can be handled. The most important thing to remember is that it's *your* hair, and that you have to live with it all the time, so you shouldn't *hate* it. Try to reach a decision you're comfortable with.If you just want to talk about this more, or if you want to hear more details about how my husband and I worked out our arrangement, feel free to email me.Laura lswanson@sunflower.bio.indiana.edu
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Clare View Drop Down
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> Mellissa, I never, ever post here but your> story has really touched me and I hope I can help.> As the old saying goes, don't cut off your nose> to spite your face. Believe me if you chop off> all your hair just to get back at your boyfriend> you will be sorry you did. I know how you feel,> my hair is very, very fine and my mother used> to always make me wear it in those hideous pixie> cuts, VERY short, no body to it, limp and flyaway.> Fine hair is MUCH harder to deal with when it's> short. Why don't you try wearing your hair up> in a nice bun or twist while it's growing? It> will look elegant and then you can start letting> it down more when it's longer. You're hair is> just at that awkward stage, around shoulder length,> believe me, when it's longer it will look and> feel great. When it's long, fine hair has more> substance and you really don't notice how thin> it is. My hair is to my knees and I can tell you> I've loved it more and more the longer it's gotten.> Don't give up! Just find an updo that's fun, try> some hair accessories, whatever it takes to get> you through the awkward stage if you cut it you'll> be even more unhappy than you are now! Long hair> is easier to care for, trust me, I know!HI Dawn,I appreciate, and can relate to your post. I have fine hair as well, and I used to hear, "You need to cut that stringy hair" from my mom as a teenager, and she talked me into those pixie cuts as well, aaying, "Your hair looks so much better short." I have had a lot of people tell me that, and I personally do not agree with them. Well, I am finally listening to myself now, and my hair is about 8inches below shoulder length, and I hope it will at least grow to waist length. Nothing is going to stop me now.
Clare
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Dawn View Drop Down
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>>> Hi Clare! That was a sweet post. I totally sympathize! Don't listen to those people, you stick to your guns. Really fine hair does tend to look a bit limp and lifeless when it's short, I know I hated mine and could never do anything with it, but long it is smooth, flowing and oh so very, very soft. If anything fine straight hair is the kind that's MEANT to be worn long, not short, it's easy to keep untangled, hangs nicely, is rarely too heavy even at extreme lengths and is usually silky soft. You will love long hair, it feels great. I don't like when people say long hair is a lot of work because that implies drudgery, but it's really just a tiny bit of extra effort, an extra conditioner in the shower, that sort of thing and like the extra effort you put into any good relationship it will pay you back many times over! Be patient, it took me twenty years to get from just below the shoulder to knee length, way longer than most people since I think fine hair tends to grow a bit slower but trust me you will get there! If I can do it anyone can! By the way, as an aside to other listeners, when you say you have fine hair, that means it is NOT thick, I'm always seeing people post that they have fine hair but lots of it, or fine hair but it's very thick. The two are mutually exclusive, you cannot have thick fine hair. Long Hair Rules! Best wishes, Dawn
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Laura Jane View Drop Down
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"By the way, as an aside to other listeners, when you say you have fine hair, that means it is NOT thick, I'm always seeing people post that they have fine hair but lots of it, or fine hair but it's very thick. The two are mutually exclusive, you cannot have thick fine hair."Not true at all. "Fine" refers to the diameter of the individual hair; it is entirely possible to have a lot of fine hair (which I do, so I certainly ought to know). The opposite of fine is not thick, it is coarse. Thick refers to the overall quantity of hair. If you are referring to the overall quantity of hair when you say fine, you are using it incorrectly, and you ought to say "thin". There is a difference. I am not generally inclined to nitpick about word choice, but in this case it makes a big difference.
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john View Drop Down
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> My boyfriend and I had a terrible fight tonight> over my hair. AGAIN. He pressures me to grow it> longer but my hair is so thin it looks terrible> much longer than my shoulders.> Tonight he pointed out a girl in a restaurant> where we were eating. She had auburn hair to her> waist. He couldn't stop talking about how great> her hair looked.> I got mad at the time but now I am really> depressed and not sure of what to do. One part> of me wants to get even and go get my hair cut> really short. At least I could stop messing with> it.> Thanks for listening. All suggestions appreciated.>> Mellissa
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Jennifer View Drop Down
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> My boyfriend and I had a terrible fight tonight> over my hair. AGAIN. He pressures me to grow it> longer but my hair is so thin it looks terrible> much longer than my shoulders.You know what... it's your hair, you deal with it everyday and you look at yourself in the mirror everyday. You should have hair that you like. I can see if your boyfriend likes longer hair and drops an occasional hint that he would like to to grow it out, but fighting over it? That sounds a bit controlling to me.> Tonight he pointed out a girl in a restaurant> where we were eating. She had auburn hair to her> waist. He couldn't stop talking about how great> her hair looked.Did he realize that your hair would not look like that if it were long? I've known quite a few people with long thin hair and it can be quite beautiful, but maybe that's not how you see yourself.Anways, that's insulting to you. My boyfriend once started trying to explain to me why he thought one of the Spice Girls was fat... he didn't realize that I took that as a complete slap in the face.> I got mad at the time but now I am really> depressed and not sure of what to do. One part> of me wants to get even and go get my hair cut> really short. At least I could stop messing with> it.I'll warn you, having it really short doesn't stop you from having to mess with it. For me short hair takes a lot MORE work because it doesn't always do what it's suposed to... one parts too flat, there's a cowlick sticking out somewhere else. I would suggest you think about what YOU like, whether you want your hair shorter or longer or about the same, regardless of what he thinks and without trying to spite him. If he doesn't like it and keeps pressuring you I'd think about finding another boyfriend.-jj
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Cheryl View Drop Down
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> Mellissa, I never, ever post here but your> story has really touched me and I hope I can help.> As the old saying goes, don't cut off your nose> to spite your face. Believe me if you chop off> all your hair just to get back at your boyfriend> you will be sorry you did. I know how you feel,> my hair is very, very fine and my mother used> to always make me wear it in those hideous pixie> cuts, VERY short, no body to it, limp and flyaway.> Fine hair is MUCH harder to deal with when it's> short. Why don't you try wearing your hair up> in a nice bun or twist while it's growing? It> will look elegant and then you can start letting> it down more when it's longer. You're hair is> just at that awkward stage, around shoulder length,> believe me, when it's longer it will look and> feel great. When it's long, fine hair has more> substance and you really don't notice how thin> it is. My hair is to my knees and I can tell you> I've loved it more and more the longer it's gotten.> Don't give up! Just find an updo that's fun, try> some hair accessories, whatever it takes to get> you through the awkward stage if you cut it you'll> be even more unhappy than you are now! Long hair> is easier to care for, trust me, I know!Nice to see your emails again Dawn.. Did you ever get around to trying out the Aveda products? You mentioned on the tlhs email list that you never trim your hair at all.. this comes to mind alot when trim time comes around for me.. I think of what you said and just leave it alone! :-) Cheryl
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>>Thanks Cheryl, it is nice to pop out of one's shell every once in a while! You know, I never really do have the nerve to trim my hair, it grows so slowly to begin with but I'm considering a very, very minute trim done according to Karen's advice about trimming during the right phase of the moon. I do all my gardening according to moon signs and it really does make a big difference. Timing is everything! I WISH I could try some Aveda products, especially after hearing your reports about them. If my little town had a place to get some of the sample sizes I would be more inclined to jump into it, but I afraid of putting out the big bucks only to discover I've chosen the wrong type. Suggestions?
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Cheryl View Drop Down
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Dawn:> You will have to ask Karen about that one.. any suggestions, Karen?! I know I was leary when laying out the money for the Aveda.. I asked the stylist in the salon where I bought it, if I wasn't happy with it, could I return it.. He said in all the time he has been selling it, he knows of no one who was disappointed. I know there was one man on the email list that said it didn't agree with his wife's hair. I do know for myself that the longer I use it the better the condition of my hair. So maybe his wife didn't give it enough time.. I don't know her situation, since he spoke for her. Everyone is different. I think my hair is losing the build up from other products I have used in the past. Which enables the conditioning process to work much better. I also know that you have much, much longer hair than I do and you probably use a whole lot more amount- wise of shampoo and conditioner. Any other long length haired ladies out there use higher priced products? Maybe they could say how far it goes. A $22.00 size of the Curessence lasts me about 5 weeks. I wash my hair 3 times a week.. but I have been soaking it on to get my hair back in shape. Later on I figure to lessen up amount wise. Today I soaked it on and put on a shower cap and left it on for over an hour. I bought a $25 size of the Shampure and it will last me months for sure. (I hide my Aveda in my bathroom away from the kiddies!) Good luck with your intended trims! After going for so long, I know that would have to be scary. I trim my bangs in front but figure to leave the back alone for at least a year. And only then if it is a must. Then when it gets waist length, my husband takes care of it from then on. Thanks for coming out of lurk mode! :-) nice hearing from you. Cheryl
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Mellissa View Drop Down
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Hi,First I want to thank everyone for their responses and support. It helped me so much. Thank you Dawn and Laura Jane and Cheryl, Clare, John and everyone for your posts and great suggestions and encouragement.I had a long talk with my boyfriend (no I did not cut my hair mainly because of all of you and your help) and told him that it hurt my feelings that he pointed out that long haired girl. He apologized and told me he would not go it again. Which helped a lot. I also bought some various clips at the grocery store and am going to try and wear my hair up more which was suggested.I appreciate all of your insights into dealing with my thin hair. I am going to adopt several ideas that you suggested and try to hang in there and grow my hair.I was so sad and depressed when I posted. Thank you all for cheering me up and helping me get through this.Big hugs to all.Mellissa
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Dawn View Drop Down
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>>Oh Mellissa, your response was so very sweet! What a thrill for this lurker to come out from under her rock and actually help someone. I'm sure all the other gals will agree that it was our pleasure to offer support and encouragement. Keep the faith!Very best wishes, Dawn
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