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I feel *so* bad for my piano student

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The OTHER Dawn View Drop Down
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    Posted: January 11 2000 at 9:12pm
Hi! I am a piano teacher, and today one of my 11 year old students came to her lesson w/ her previously long, healthy, beautiful mid-back length hair hacked off into a pixie cut. She was almost in tears, and told me that her mother made her cut her hair for some strange, unknown reason. This girl is *very* mature for her age, and takes care of her own hair, so there was no legitimate reason for this haircut. I'm wondering if it gave the mother a power trip, or was motivated by jealousy, or *what*. It is one thing to have short hair if you want it, but it is quite another thing to have a forced haircut. What is up w/ this? I wanted to scream at this mother, and tell her what a witch she is, but I couldn't. I tried to comfort my student by telling her that when she is older, she can grow her hair as long as she wants to. Have any of the rest of you ever seen psycho moms forcing haircuts on kids that ARE old enough to take care of their own hair?DawnRelated Link:Dawn's Secret Garden
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Zorak View Drop Down
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> Hi! I am a piano teacher, and today one of my 11 year> old students came to her lesson w/ her previously> long, healthy, beautiful mid-back length hair hacked> off into a pixie cut. She was almost in tears, and> told me that her mother made her cut her hair for some> strange, unknown reason. This girl is *very* mature> for her age, and takes care of her own hair, so there> was no legitimate reason for this haircut. I'm> wondering if it gave the mother a power trip, or was> motivated by jealousy, or *what*. It is one thing to> have short hair if you want it, but it is quite> another thing to have a forced haircut.Yeah, I must agree with you that 11 years old seems kind of old for a parent to be forcing this kind of "unwanted situation" onto a child for no apparent reason.There must have been some kind of strange psychology going on in this case, it just has to be. Hair, and forcing someone to cut their hair, is just such a kind of "power trip" issue that I just cannot believe that it is just superficial, like "oh, gee, dear....I just think that you would look so nice with a short haircut against your wishes."Maybe the poor kid got caught in some kind of power struggle between the parents? Are her parents getting a divorce or something like that? Did this just all happen at once, or did it build up over time? Maybe it was considered punishment for something that the daughter did (I am NOT saying that I agree with this for any reason!).Zorak
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andy View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote andy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: January 11 2000 at 9:12pm
Zorak, you reckon that 11 is too old to be forcing a particular haircut on a child. I knew a woman (and I choose my words carefully) whose mother refused to allow her to grow her hair when she was 17.If you reckon that cutting a girl's hair against her will is a power trip at 11 - what do we reckon this is?
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Jena View Drop Down
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This is about humiliation and any parent who really loves his child would not bow to it. Disciplining a child by making the punishment fit the crime (bicycle was left out so child can't ride bike for a few days)is fine but not pure humiliation. It will be impossible for others not to notice her hair and most likely someone will comment on it which will only remind the girl of what happened.Out of curiosity, Dawn, what does the mother's hair look like? Is it long or short? Is it relatively attractive? The devious part of me now wants to take the mom out and give her a forced haircut! There is no excuse for her behavior. Cutting off several inches of a preschooler's hair because the child won't sit still for washing or combing it is practical. Forcing a pre-teen to cut her hair when she clearly does not want it is sadistic.Well, the mom can be proud that she most likely just gave her daughter a life-long hair obsession and possible fetish. I'd say the mom definitely has some obsession with hair herself.
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The OTHER Dawn View Drop Down
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The mom has short hair, but not as short as Jaime's hair is (Jaime is the 11 yr. old). I wouldn't call it attractive, but it is an average short, layered style -- nothing outlandish. Jaime's hair was quite lovely before -- shiny, dark, thick healthy -- Pantene hair. Evidently, hair has been a big issue for awhile. Jaime (the girl) complained a few months ago that her mom took her to a salon to get her hair "trimmed," and told the lady to cut it into a chin length bob from mid-back, and since Jaime was so upset, the lady wouldn't do it and just trimmed off a couple of inches. This time, a different stylist was more than happy to go along w/ her suggestion, but the cut is *shorter* than a bob. I'd love to know what on earth this mother is thinking....why can't she cut her own hair instead of ruining her daughter's? The worst thing about this is I can't do anything about it -- Jaime's mother is *insane*, and I have no clue what to tell Jaime.DawnRelated Link:Dawn's Secret Garden
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Jena View Drop Down
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Obviously, only the mom knows what is going on, but a few possibilities are that the young girl has started to enter puberty and boys may begin noticing her, and the mom chopping off her hair was one (misguided and disturbed) way of trying to keep the little girl from developing a sexual identity.Another possibility is that at one time maybe the mom had beautiful long hair and had hers cut off and so she wanted revenge and got it by cutting off her daughter's hair.Or, the mom could be out and out jealous of her daughter's hair, especially if you say it was quite lovely. Not everyone has the genetics to grow long hair, and perhaps the mom tried but couldn't.Or, maybe the mom was angry with Jaime and knew that she loved her hair and so cutting off her prized possession was her punishment for her daughter.There are countless reasons why the mom cut her daughter's hair off so drastically. However, I sure can't think of a healthy reason. Loving discipline is good for children. Humiliation and drastically altering the child's appearance only plants seeds of resentment and fear in children.I also find it disturbing that the "stylist" was more than willing to cut it so short given the fact that the daughter was so adamently opposed to it. Sounds a little sadistic to me. If I were a stylist, I sure couldn't do that to a child.I think it's very good that you're trying to give moral support to Jaime. And it's important for her to know that only her appearance is different, not the person inside.
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Jena View Drop Down
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For a parent to force an aesthetic choice of hairstyle on a pre-teen child, I wonder if that couldn't be a form of child abuse. I realize that may be far-fetched, but suppose the girl had a collection of [fill in the blanks -- dolls, teddy bears, whatever] and the mother destroyed them. Certainly no physical abuse to the child. No sexual abuse. But I'd argue that there is emotional abuse. The mother destroyed the girl's possessions.A drastic cut from long to short, *especially* against the child's will and especially for that old of a child, undoubtedly will have some emotional consequences for her now, and in the future. Most kids that age are just entering those awkward years totally full of self-doubt. And then the mother forces the girl to dramatically change her appearance.Something somewhere is definitely going on with that "mother."
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Diane from Canada View Drop Down
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>> Dear Dawn:If I was in your situation I would gathered some pictures of singers that age group relate to like the spice girls etc. Then I would play up the fact that she looks as good as one of those singers/actresses.Also I would buy my little student a special gift .Something nice but not expensive to make her feel okay.Then if you are still curious about the mother I would go up to the mother and go on and on how great her daughter is in piano and her new hairstyle looks great and so was the old style . Then just stop and watch the mother to see what excuses she comes up with. She might/ might not have had a good reason but at least you would find out and not offend anyone by asking indirectly.If you find out, let us know.
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Bruce View Drop Down
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That is a terrible shame. Jamie is going to be talking about this incident for the rest of her life. Unfortunately, this does not seem to be a rare event. Many women I have talked with have a story about how their mothers had cut their long hair or otherwise pressured them into getting it cut *very* short. The girls invariably hate the short cut, and grow it out as quickly as possible.It also seems that a majority of stylists are itching to chop off long hair, ponytails and braids. Why they are convinced 'shorter is better' is beyond me, unless they simply don't want the 'skills' they have developed to go to waste. Or perhaps, they themselves are jealous that their own hair isn't as long, healthy and/or beautiful as the hair they're butchering.I think the best thing to do is assure Jamie that she has her entire future in which to regrow her hair to whatever length, in whatever style, pleases her. It may be difficult to accept now, but in only a few years, when she enters her teens (and later, when she finally escapes her mother's clutches), she can regain control of her life, body and future. Best wishes to her.--Bruce
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Jena View Drop Down
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"It also seems that a majority of stylists are itching to chop off long hair, ponytails and braids."To add some insight...I may have a reason. Although I have a feeling that the vast majority of people with very long hair who frequent this board take exceptional care of it, I'll be honest. Most people I see in everyday life with extremely long hair don't take good care of it at all, especially the ends. And I could see where stylists would want to cut it, because it just looks so thin and wispy and unhealthy and just "hangs" there. Unfortunately, when that becomes the norm, then long hair gets a reputation as not looking attractive. And hence, stylists want to cut it to make the ends healthier. That's why we need more people with long hair to be good role models!
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Zorak View Drop Down
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> Zorak, you reckon that 11 is too old to be forcing a> particular haircut on a child. I knew a woman (and I> choose my words carefully) whose mother refused to> allow her to grow her hair when she was 17.> If you reckon that cutting a girl's hair against her> will is a power trip at 11 - what do we reckon this> is?First, I think there is a difference between not allowing a teenage minor to grow their hair into whatever style they want, versus making a perfectly happy child cut off their long hair for no apparent reason.What that girl went through is traumatizing, and unfortunately not that uncommon (according to my informal questioning of several friends).In the past, several women on this board have written of "hair traumas" as young girls when they were forced by parents into similar situations. One person even wrote of being troubled by nightmares of people cutting off her hair, a direct result of being forced as a child to cut her long hair against her will.People who are regulars here will know that for I often have a quite different opinion for those adults who make a free-will choice to cut their hair....in fact, I think that is it natural and normal for most people to change their hairstyles (often in drastic or creative ways) most of their ADULT lives.But, when this kind of psychological abuse is forced onto kids, I just have a problem with it.Zorak
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> The mom has short hair, but not as short as Jaime's> hair is (Jaime is the 11 yr. old). I wouldn't call it> attractive, but it is an average short, layered style> -- nothing outlandish. Jaime's hair was quite lovely> before -- shiny, dark, thick healthy -- Pantene hair.> Evidently, hair has been a big issue for awhile. I'd> love to know what on earth this mother is thinking....> Jaime's mother is *insane*, and I have no clue what to> tell Jaime.Insane....there you have it. She is probably jealous of her daughter's youth. The daughter's pretty hair is a symbol of that youth, and the mother lashed out at the symbol of what she no longer has for herself.Z.
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Zorak View Drop Down
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> Obviously, only the mom knows what is going on, but a> few possibilities are that the young girl has started> to enter puberty and boys may begin noticing her, and> the mom chopping off her hair was one (misguided and> disturbed) way of trying to keep the little girl from> developing a sexual identity.Interesting concept....> Another possibility is that at one time maybe the mom> had beautiful long hair and had hers cut off and so> she wanted revenge and got it by cutting off her> daughter's hair.A good possibility....> Or, the mom could be out and out jealous of her> daughter's hair, especially if you say it was quite> lovely. Not everyone has the genetics to grow long> hair, and perhaps the mom tried but couldn't.> Or, maybe the mom was angry with Jaime and knew that> she loved her hair and so cutting off her prized> possession was her punishment for her daughter.Again, both are good postualtes.....> I also find it disturbing that the "stylist"> was more than willing to cut it so short given the> fact that the daughter was so adamently opposed to it.> Sounds a little sadistic to me. If I were a stylist, I> sure couldn't do that to a child.Yes, this struck me too. How could anyone just keep cutting with a wailing child begging not to have her hair cut, and just keep on hacking away....seems to me that it is quite a bit sadistic. It would not suprise me one bit if the mother planned this whole thing ahead of time. It is just too convenient that their was a willing stylist who was not the usual stylist at the salon that day at that particular time.Z.
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andy View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote andy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: January 11 2000 at 9:12pm
Why is this idea far-fetched?It all hinges on what a parent has a right to do as opposed to what another person has a right to do. Lets postulate:Start from the arguement that parent's have a 'right' to control their children's appearence wheras others do not, it therefore follows thatGirl's mom crops girl's hair = parental rightGirl's teacher crops girl's hair = abusive behaviourBut how far does this right extend? Is it 'true' thatGirl's mom canes girl = parental rightGirl's teacher canes girl = abuseor how aboutGirl's mom does not allow girl to wear clothes around the house = parental right?I deliberately resort to 'reductio ad abusudam' to make an intentional point here. Just because a parent or society decrees that some things are acceptable for a parent to do to a child does not mean that they are not abusive. It is also true that in some countries the legal protection for children is far more stringent than others - I think I'm right that it is illegal for anybody, parent or otherwise, to smack a child.In my book, making a kid get a haircut they don't want, which makes them feel small and humilitated, even if you are the kid's parent, is 'abusive', in that it is an abuse of your power over them. It may not be illegal, society may be happy with it, and you may reckon it is perfectly acceptable, but I am not at all comfortable with it.
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andy View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote andy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: January 11 2000 at 9:12pm
It just occurs to me that I may not have really conveyed my meaning here - and I am keen that I am not misunderstood. Therefore may I be permitted an addendum.I am making a clear distinction here, I hope, between 'child abuse' and 'abuse of one's power over a child' - I would never suggest for a second that an undesired haircut is close to the same league as the activities we usually term 'child abuse', and I would disagree violently with anybody who does suggest this.My point is that a parent, or one who is 'in loco parentis' such as a teacher, has power over a child by virutue of their position as an authority figure. It is up to a person in that position to use that authority for the best interests of the child, and it is true that the right of different people to exercise that power exists in different degrees. Now it may be true that insisting that a child loses the last couple of inches of hair to keep it out of the inkwells would be using one's power over a child in that child's best interests, however I have trouble visualising a situation in which forcably cutting off all of a young girl's hair would be in the child's best interest (please, I am quite open to being persuded otherwise if you know of such a case).I consider misuse of power over a child to be an 'abuse of power' not 'child abuse'. In my original arguement I meant to demonstrate this idea - I apologise in advance if I did not suceed.andyps I hope this does not consitute a 1000 word manifesto
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> Yes, this struck me too. How could anyone just keep> cutting with a wailing child begging not to have her> hair cut, and just keep on hacking away....seems to me> that it is quite a bit sadistic.My heart goes out to this child in all sorts of ways (I had a forced haircut at eleven, too, so I know well how traumatic it is) but this is the thing that makes me very, very angry at the mother.As a former assistant manager of an accessory store, I often did the ear-piercing, especially of children. Our store had the policy that the piercer had the right to refuse if the child didn't seem ready. We could tell the difference between normal nerves and really not wanting to be pierced. When the child in my chair wailed and cried and even socked me in the jaw, she wasn't ready, so I refused. How could this stylist just go ahead and do anything that was so contrary to the actual person behind the hair.Hair can grow back relatively quickly, but self-esteem can take a lot longer, not to mention trust.Kestra
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Bruce View Drop Down
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That's a good point, Jena. But a good stylist would say something like, 'I know you like your hair long, but at such and such point, it's becoming thin and unhealthy' etc. The amount being cut should never be a surprise to the client.I'm sure everyone has their horror stories of "Just cut an inch or two" which ends up being translated into 'a foot or more.'
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Sounds like a scene out of "Mommie Dearest" The child has my sympathies.
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Ally View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Ally Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: January 11 2000 at 9:13pm
Sorry if I'm chiming in belatedly. I don't have time to check in as much these days. I read this account of the piano student and felt SUCH a surge of hatred and rage toward her mother!Though I never was allowed to grow my hair long enough to be "chopped off," my mother dictated that I would wear a pixie most of my life, which caused me endless mortification. Later she would force me to submit to horrid, kinky perms as well. These damaged my hair--I only know that now that my hair is healthy--and led her to snipe that I had "lousy hair" that she couldn't "do anything with." I grew up believing this and never learned to take care of my hair properly.It was the perfect Catch-22. She said I couldn't have long hair because I couldn't take care of it, and I couldn't learn to take care of it because my hair was never longer than a couple of inches. I used to cry about my hair all the time. I hated how I looked, and I was the subject of merciless teasing at school.This was sadistic, out-and-out child abuse. I do not hesitate to say so. My mother was physically and emotionally abusive, and the hair issue became a component very early on. When she wanted a positive reaction out of me, she would promise to "consider" letting me grow my hair to chin length. I'd get so excited, I wouldn't be able to sleep. Then, at my next slip-up, she'd say sorry, but she was scheduling an appointment for me to get my hair cut again.One of her "parental" warnings was, "If you don't straighten up, I'll have your hair cut shorter than mine!"I do think some mothers--some very insecure mothers--become jealous of their daughters' youthful good looks and try to sabotage them. My best friend just grew her hair past her shoulders for the first time. It is a vast improvement, she looks gorgeous, and anyone would say so. When her mother came to visit, she tsk'ed over how much better "that cute pixie" used to look.I hope you do say something to Jamie's mother. If she's guilty of this sort of "mothering," it might give her a start to know someone sees through her.Ally
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Hello All :-)Andy, I think your right on the nose here!!My sister, who has two girls, cut both of their hair short. They both have the most beautiful hair. One is a brunette, the other blonde. They had long hair and she got it cut short. When I saw the girls after they got their hair cut, they were so upset. My sister was not there, so they felt very free to talk to me about it. I am the aunt who has the longest hair, paints her nails, and even has a belly button ring. So they know I am very open to most things. I told them that they both looked good with their new cuts, and that they were no different on the inside. I did tell them that when they get a little older they can let their hair grow. I have talked to one of my other sisters about this, and we both know that this is just another form of control that my sister and her hubby feel they have over their children. They control everything with their kids. What they wear, there is this very sad story my sister Sue witnessed involving a dress. My one niece wanted wear a dress and her dad said sure, then when she put in on, he said, "go take that off", my niece was crying and asked "why, her dad said, "because I said", my sister Sue was outraged, and told my brother in law so, he said, "I am her father". What is that???? This is a form of abuse, no not physical, but emotional, yes. The girls luckily have a few people they can talk to about it. And I tell them all the time how very beautiful they are no matter what. :-)
Lynn G
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