Struggling the result

This is a generalization, but I think it's true often enough to be called a trend:When men and women marry, two things happen. Men expecttheir wives to stay the same, which does not occur. Womenexpect their husbands to change, which does not occur.I'm still curious to hear from Katie about what her hair was like when they were dating. Either her opinion about having long hair changed since then or else her then-boyfriend wasn't clear about his strong desire for her to have long hair. Often conflicts are rooted in the dating process, but people are blinded by puppy love and ignore potential problems!

I can't believe anyone is actually having an argument on whether or not a married woman's hair belongs to herself or if it is a piece of property jointly owned by her husband.Gimme a break-- if someone, male or female, wants to cut their hair, why should it be such a big deal? If my boyfriend/husband wanted to do something with his hair whether it be growing it out or chopping it off, I wouldn't give him the cold shoulder or tell him that his hair "belongs to me, too". It seems to me that people who try to push their spouses/lovers in to changing their bodies by using emotional manipulation are control freaks. Off the subject, what's with this idea that women were better off in the Middle Ages, anyway? Give me a break! They wore chastity belts back then and couldn't inherit property, etc.-- so don't tell me women had it good back then.Hair is a personal thing. If a person finds that their long hair is annoying, they have every right to cut it off. Some people can't grow their hair long without it turning into a mess of split ends anyway... I question any guy who tells me what to do with my hair, physical appearance-- nobody owns me! If a guy pursues women completely based on how nice their hair is has a problem.

> I struggle with this kind of thing, because it seems> like long hair attracts husbands, but then the wives> cut it all off once they get their men. Sorry if this> sounds judgmental; I don't mean it to sound that way,> but it's something I've observed women do for over a> decade,Don't struggle with this, Jennifer. It's a fact that long hair attracts husbands, and I like the attention it attracts. (Insert smile here!)Seriously, I have noticed this, but the time frame in my area may be a little longer. It don't seem that we "give up" our long hair when we get married, but more so, when we have our first baby. Someone with very long hair around here is assumed to be childless. Some examples:Many times a young mother will be at the school, and notice my hair, if it's down. She might make a comment of how nice it looks, and then follow it by "You must not have children."Or, " I used to have long hair, too. But then the kids..."Thier assumption may be right, because in eight years here, I can't remember a young mom with hair past her waist.Maybe someone reading this could shed more light on this subject. Has anyone with very long hair raised young children?

I have three children and had long hair all their lives (until ~5 months ago). The longest my hair ever is a couple of inches above my waist. I wanted it longer but that's about as long as it would grow!I think there are various reasons why women cut their hair after they have kids. Often pregnancy and childbirth leave us with stretch marks or a few extra pounds which can detract from our feeling feminine and sexy. To many, a new haircut is a quick way for a boost in self-esteem or feeling good about ourselves. (Though I never felt a short haircut would do that for me!)Another reason is that due to hormones, our hair becomes thinner about six months postpartum. I wish someone would have told me before that happened, as I was concerned when my hair started getting thinner! So, with thinner hair, often women look and feel better with shorter hair.Anyone with a 6-12 month-old can tell you -- no dangling earrings! Babies are fascinated with dangling earrings and long hair. Instead of having to constantly tie the hair back, many women feel it's just easier to have short hair.Another reason might be that cutting her hair makes a woman feel older and more mature, since she's now a mother. Many view long hair as something for young girls, not mothers. (Please understand that I'm not agreeing or saying any of these are right, but they are possible explanations of why women cut their hair after giving birth)Another reason is the time factor. Although many women here with very long hair find they spend very little time on their hair, other women with long hair do spend a lot of time with it. And when the baby comes, the time goes! Some women just feel it's more practical to have short hair that dries quickly so they can run out the door sooner than having to wait for the hair to dry naturally or to take the time using a hair dryer.And having a baby is a new milestone in our lives. Sometimes getting a short haircut is just a way to celebrate the milestone or a way to acknowledge that as our lives change, so does our hair.And there could be some peer pressure involved, as well. As you noticed, most "moms" don't have long hair, so a woman may cut her hair to feel a need to fit in. I personally loved my long hair and didn't mind at all being the unique mom with a short haircut! So again, I'm not saying these reasons are right, but I think for some women, they may explain the actions of a new short cut after becoming moms. :-)

Hi Jena,Thanks for sharing your thoughts on the subject. I'd like to make a few points of observation (not directed at you specifically, but just things that make me wonder "why?").Comments welcome!> I think there are various reasons why women cut their> hair after they have kids. Often pregnancy and> childbirth leave us with stretch marks or a few extra> pounds which can detract from our feeling feminine and> sexy. To many, a new haircut is a quick way for a> boost in self-esteem or feeling good about ourselves.Curious, because I've heard one of the reasons women GROW their hair long is as an expression of femininity and as a way to feel more sexy.I'm also curious as to why a haircut would provide a self-esteem boost. Cutting one's hair doesn't help a woman lose either excess weight or stretch marks!> Another reason is that due to hormones, our hair> becomes thinner about six months postpartum. I wish> someone would have told me before that happened, as I> was concerned when my hair started getting thinner!I've heard that during pregnancy that the natural rate of hair fallout decreases (giving the accurate impression that one's hair becomes thicker during pregnancy). So the post-partum hair loss is just a matter of the scalp "making up for lost time," so to speak. I would hypothesize that the net result two years after initially becoming pregnant is that there would be no change in the amount of hairs.So it seems to me that women who cut their hair when its rate of fallout increases during the post-partum period are unnecessarily panicking/obsessing over a return to the normal number of hairs.> So, with thinner hair, often women look and feel> better with shorter hair.But when the excessive rate of hair fallout ceases, the hair's thickness is the same as it was before pregnancy -- yet many (most?) women at that point will have chosen to have shorter hair than at the time they got pregnant. The hair is only thinner in relation to the unusually-thick quantity of hair during pregnancy.> Anyone with a 6-12 month-old can tell you -- no> dangling earrings! Babies are fascinated with dangling> earrings and long hair. Instead of having to> constantly tie the hair back, many women feel it's> just easier to have short hair."Constantly tie the hair back..." Hmmm... tie the hair back once, done for the day. Not *really* difficult or time-consuming.My point is that this situation is easily resolved (virtually to the point of being a non-issue) if the mother of a newborn wishes to keep her hair long.> Another reason might be that cutting her hair makes a> woman feel older and more mature, since she's now a> mother.If HAVING a baby makes a woman feel "older and more mature," then why is a haircut necessary to assist in that self-perception?This explanation also seems odd because the lament of longing for a more youthful appearance is so frequently expressed.> Many view long hair as something for young> girls, not mothers. (Please understand that I'm not> agreeing or saying any of these are right, but they> are possible explanations of why women cut their hair> after giving birth)Indeed, this notion also seems very peculiar. Such a rigid (and fallacious) social rule with no apparent purpose or benefit.> Another reason is the time factor. Although many women> here with very long hair find they spend very little> time on their hair, other women with long hair do> spend a lot of time with it.It seems to be a matter of choice as to how much time one wants to spend on their hair. No matter what a person's hair length, they can choose to either spend a small amount of time on it, or a lot of time on it. It all depends on the extent they wish to "force it" into a style.> And when the baby comes,> the time goes! Some women just feel it's more> practical to have short hair that dries quickly so> they can run out the door sooner than having to wait> for the hair to dry naturally or to take the time> using a hair dryer.So much preoccupation with having dry hair...> And having a baby is a new milestone in our lives.> Sometimes getting a short haircut is just a way to> celebrate the milestoneWow. A short haircut as celebration? This notion is completely mystifying. "Hey, I just _______! (fill in the blank with whichever achievement/contest won/etc.) Let's go celebrate with a haircut!"> or a way to acknowledge that> as our lives change, so does our hair.The idea that one's hair "ought to" change BECAUSE some other *unrelated* factor in our lives has changed seems very peculiar.> And there could be some peer pressure involved, as> well. As you noticed, most "moms" don't have> long hair, so a woman may cut her hair to feel a need> to fit in.Doesn't the woman who HAS CHILDREN "fit into" the category called "mothers?" (in other words, why should a woman feel compelled to cut her hair in order to LOOK LIKE other women who are mothers?")> I personally loved my long hair and didn't> mind at all being the unique mom with a short haircut!I think you meant to say that you didn't mind being the unique mom with the long hair?> So again, I'm not saying these reasons are right, but> I think for some women, they may explain the actions> of a new short cut after becoming moms. :-)Thanks Jena for sharing these possible explanations. It has sure left me shaking my head in disbelief!Dave

> I'm also curious as to why a haircut would provide a> self-esteem boost. Cutting one's hair doesn't help a> woman lose either excess weight or stretch marks!> HI Dave:I couldn't resist the temptation of teasing you.I remember when I had my first child that I felt like hell.It didn't matter how much I brush that hair and it really didn't matter if I bought new clothes or new makeup I really felt like hell.Then I got a haircut and a perm and I felt much better.Something new, something exciting , something fresh etc.

> Something new? It is that. Something fresh? If> "fresh" equates to "new," then it> is new. But something exciting?> I'm curious as to the origination of the idea that a> haircut is "exciting." A haircutter trying> to drum up business, perhaps?> DaveI think it is just that it was a diffirent look that made it refreshing for me.But again I didn't cut my hair the second time when I had my second child.Maybe I couldn't find a stylist? lol

> Something new? It is that. Something fresh? If> "fresh" equates to "new," then it> is new. But something exciting?> I'm curious as to the origination of the idea that a> haircut is "exciting." A haircutter trying> to drum up business, perhaps?> DaveI think that it's more getting your hair "done" or fixed up nice than getting it cut. It just happens that, in our culture, getting your hair "done" often involves getting at least some of it cut off. It doesn't really have to, especially if your hair is already long enough to be styled as long hair (with all of those braiding and updo options), but it still often does. I know that I love to get my hair professionally braided, especially in a style I can't do myself. After I have had my hair braided, I feel pretty and, if I was in a bad mood, I often feel better about myself, at least temporarily. In that sense, having my hair professionally braided or put up is "exciting." I think that is what Diane means by the haircut being "exciting."Erika

Hi Jena,I see from your response that I have failed to adequately express mythoughts on the matter. I understand and accept that different peoplewill have different preferences. I acknowledge that the reasons youhave described are oft-expressed. And I did read that you personallyfeel that these reasons don't apply to you. Please understand thatI have no quarrel with you or the points you highlighted (no punintended).I tried (obviously unsuccessfully) to "branch out" from the pointsyou raised, to discuss the issue from a more theoretical standpoint.The point I was trying to make is that it seems as though long-hairedwomen who become mothers seeking advice are rarely, if ever, presentedwith alternatives that don't involve cutting the hair. The new motherwho gives up on the long hair that she loves has my compassion.For example... When do you ever hear well-intentioned hair advicegiven to new mothers that doesn't involve cutting hair shorter? The"baby-grabbing-the-hair" syndrome is a perfect example. Sure, a shorthaircut is one way to address the issue, but the same "out-of-the-way"characteristic can be achieved with long hair if it is either pulledback or put up. How often do you ever hear advice given to new mothersto new mothers to put their long hair up? I have never heard, nor heardof, this possibility ever suggested, not even once. But many people arequick to advise new mothers only that they should cut their long hairshort to remedy this situation.Hoping I'm not digging myself into a deeper hole,Dave

> When we first dating my hair was shoulder length. We> dated for about 3 years, in that time I had gotten a a> few perms one with a real short haircut...Most of my> life I have had short hair, I grow it out once in awhile> but I'm mostly short.You sound like you have had a very normal life, as far as your hair is concerned!Really, around here you will always find the "Oh my GOD, don't ever cut you precious hair" attitude a bunch more than the "Hey, it is normal change at different times in your life" attitude.Hope things are OK between you and your spouse. He will most probably get used to the idea of you changing your hair with time.Z.