QuoteReplyTopic: Struggling the result Posted: July 23 2001 at 8:08pm
As a lawyer I feel a written prenuptial agreement is the proper way to handle this question. I have a prenuptial agreement with my wife that she will never cut her hair without my written consent. We thoroughly discussed this issue before marriage and she well knows that I detest shorthaired women. She has honored the agreement in full. In return, I agreed to stay clean shaven and I have honored my end of the bargain as well. Have a frank discussion over important personal appearance issues and set it in writing. To leave up in the air any issue that is of vital importance to either party is asking for trouble.
Erika
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Zorak,Hello.> Really, around here you will always find the "Oh> my GOD, don't ever cut you precious hair"> attitude a bunch more than the "Hey, it is normal> change at different times in your life" attitude.I don't remember any poster on this thread, with the exception of one individual who can't seem to get a handle on his handle, he changes it so often, who has displayed that first attitude. This thread is not about whether or not people should cut their hair; it is about a simple misunderstanding between a married couple. In this case, it's not really Katie's haircut by itself that has caused this misunderstanding, but the particular situation in which she got the haircut. I think that Katie will be able to work things out with her husband, and that everything will eventually be fine.> Hope things are OK between you and your spouse.Same here, I realy hope that everything works out. :-)Erika
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> Zorak,> It all depends on how you define "normal."> In the larger scheme of life, not just limited to hair> issues, I don't care to simply follow the dictates of> society just for the sake of conformity, so no one> would consider me too different. I enjoy, nay, revel,> in my uniqueness. Little is ever achieved by those who> fear ridicule for being different. They are trapped.> Great achievements usually require steping out of the> bounds of normalcy. There is definitely risk of> laughter and reprimand, but in the long run, greatness> is recognized, and much more importantly, you learn> how strong you are in bucking trends, in standing up> to peer pressure, and you discover greater self> respect. There comes a time in life where> "different" becomes "good," and> "normal" becomes "boring," and you> learn to delight in those aspects of yourself that are> distinct.> Jennifer Eve
> Zorak,> Judging by the deafening silence (no outcry -- not> even a peep), I would suggest that it is you who has> the distorted perception of the attitudes of the> people who participate on this board.> DaveDave I have to say that Zorak has this ability to keep our blood circulating at times. He adds that little spice when things are boring .
> Why would she do that? It suggests that she is> weak-willed and can't make her own decision.No. Certainly she can make her own decision. Sometimes, though, it ismade without awareness of all of the possibilities for solutions thatdon't involve cutting, and in these situations some acquiesce to thenot-necessarily-true "conventional wisdom" that having long hair isincompatible with motherhood.> Okay, here is my question to you: Do you honestly> believe that there is a woman alive who sincerely> wants to cut her long hair short, not due to any> outside pressure but simply because she wants her hair> cut short?As I said in my previous post, "I understand and accept that differentpeople will have different preferences." These preferences can includelong, short, or something in-between. Yes, Jena, this applies to allwomen, including those who have just become mothers!> Or is she only deluding herself into> thinking she wants short hair?I think not, Jena!Dave
> Really, around here you will always find the "Oh> my GOD, don't ever cut you precious hair"> attitude a bunch more than the "Hey, it is normal> change at different times in your life" attitude.Zorak,Judging by the deafening silence (no outcry -- not even a peep), I would suggest that it is you who has the distorted perception of the attitudes of the people who participate on this board.Dave
> Mark Mark Mark what else can I say to you! Come on> look a lot deeper than hair for goodness sakes.> Comprimise and communications means understanding the> needs of a spouse and meeting the other in the middle> without any party feeling that they are being> controled.> A little haircut will not cause tons of problems in a> marriage.you know diane, i really like your style and way with words!
> the type of hairstyles that each other prefers.> It is good for the future husband and the future wife> to> sign a written Pre Nuptial Hair Based Marriage> Contract,on what hair styles are expected during the> marriage. More men> are now using a written Hair Based Pre Nuptial> Agreement> to indicated what kind of hair style a lady is willing> to> have for her husband. Some of the men,may be satisfied> to have a wife,wear a long haired wig,if she insists> on> having very short hair,during the marriage. A large> number> of men are very sensitive on the hair style issue.> Many men expect a lady grow out her hair, to waist> length> during a marriage,as a way for a lady to honor,her> husband.> Myself, I think if a lady,is willing to wear a long> hair> wig for me,and want to keep short hair that is fine.> It> is only reasonable to ask her to wear a long hair wig> when> husband and wife are together.> Most men prefer option 2,in my area. When a lady with> short hair decides to grow it out,the men prefer to> cut> only the split ends of the hair to maintain health and> maximum growth. The in between stage of growth is hard> for a lady,and may look awful, but a lady has to> realize> that this stage of growth is necessary,if she expects> to> achieve the long hair she desires. Most men are very> supportive in doing everthing possible in the growing> out stage.ok..one, i'd like to know "all" of these men you speak for; and two, if a woman gives in then what other concessions does she have to make for a man! and three, what about her prenup? does that mean he must always take out the garbage and remain her "knibgt in shining armour"? i gues there's no flexability to you, huh?
> your wedding day,that you agree to have long hair.> A signed and written Pre Nuptial Marriage Contract> by you as a lady,would have clarified that your> husband,> wanted you to grow long hair. Okay it is your hair,but> a husband has to look at your hair. Okay you want a> solution. I would suggest that you buy a long hair wig> for yourself and that you as a lady wear a long hair> wig for your husband. You as a wife,buying and wearing> a long hair wig,may convince your husband to talk to> you again. A long hair wig seems to be the only> solution,> if your want to keep short hair. It appears that your> husband does not think your super short hair style is> femmine. A large number of husbands, in this country,> expect a wife,to honor her husband,by growing long> hair.> You should have discussed the hair style issue before> your wedding day.seems pretty pathetic you have to include appearances in a pre-nup!!! isn't marriage SUPPOSED to be about LOVE, HONOR ,TRUST, PARTNERSHIP, FRIENDSHIP,ETC?.... if all one can focus on is hair, what are you going to do when the real troubles hit, mark?
> I want to thank everyone for their responses. I took> the advice from the group and talked to my husband, he> was not as supportive as I hoped, he really wanted to> see me in long hair again.> I tried to meet his request, but finally last week I> could not handle it anymore. I guess I just like short> hair. I went last week to my stylist and got my hair> cut, it went from almost a chin length messy bob look> to a very short boyish look that is 2 inches on top> and extremly short on the sides and back. I did not> know what style I wanted so my so I told my stylist to> just give me a short haircut, the shorter the better.> I was a little shocked at first, but I'm starting to> get used to the look, I can tell you all I feel tons> better, and I doubt I will never grow it out again. My> husband was not only shocked I got it cut, but he also> has not talked to me since Friday, I think he thinks I> got it cut so short just to get back at him. I guess> he does not realize my hair is my hair.way i look at it.... who's the one who has to look at herself in the mirror every day and decide if she's happy with what she sees?
> The new mother who gives up on the long hair that she >loves has my compassion.Why would she do that? It suggests that she is weak-willed and can't make her own decision.Okay, here is my question to you: Do you honestly believe that there is a woman alive who sincerely wants to cut her long hair short, not due to any outside pressure but simply because she wants her hair cut short? Or is she only deluding herself into thinking she wants short hair?
Lady Godiva
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Zorak,It all depends on how you define "normal." In the larger scheme of life, not just limited to hair issues, I don't care to simply follow the dictates of society just for the sake of conformity, so no one would consider me too different. I enjoy, nay, revel, in my uniqueness. Little is ever achieved by those who fear ridicule for being different. They are trapped. Great achievements usually require steping out of the bounds of normalcy. There is definitely risk of laughter and reprimand, but in the long run, greatness is recognized, and much more importantly, you learn how strong you are in bucking trends, in standing up to peer pressure, and you discover greater self respect. There comes a time in life where "different" becomes "good," and "normal" becomes "boring," and you learn to delight in those aspects of yourself that are distinct.Jennifer Eve
> When we first dating my hair was shoulder length. We> dated for about 3 years, in that time I had gotten a a> few perms one with a real short haircut...Most of my> life I have had short hair, I grow it out once in awhile> but I'm mostly short.You sound like you have had a very normal life, as far as your hair is concerned!Really, around here you will always find the "Oh my GOD, don't ever cut you precious hair" attitude a bunch more than the "Hey, it is normal change at different times in your life" attitude.Hope things are OK between you and your spouse. He will most probably get used to the idea of you changing your hair with time.Z.
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When we first dating my hair was shoulder length. We dated for about 3 years, in that time I had gotten a a few permsone with a real short haircut. My husband really never said anything at that time. Most of my life I have had short hair, I grow it out once in awhile but I'm mostly short.> This is a generalization, but I think it's true often> enough to be called a trend:> When men and women marry, two things happen. Men> expect> their wives to stay the same, which does not occur.> Women> expect their husbands to change, which does not occur.> I'm still curious to hear from Katie about what her> hair was like when they were dating. Either her> opinion about having long hair changed since then or> else her then-boyfriend wasn't clear about his strong> desire for her to have long hair. Often conflicts are> rooted in the dating process, but people are blinded> by puppy love and ignore potential problems!
Hi Jena,I see from your response that I have failed to adequately express mythoughts on the matter. I understand and accept that different peoplewill have different preferences. I acknowledge that the reasons youhave described are oft-expressed. And I did read that you personallyfeel that these reasons don't apply to you. Please understand thatI have no quarrel with you or the points you highlighted (no punintended).I tried (obviously unsuccessfully) to "branch out" from the pointsyou raised, to discuss the issue from a more theoretical standpoint.The point I was trying to make is that it seems as though long-hairedwomen who become mothers seeking advice are rarely, if ever, presentedwith alternatives that don't involve cutting the hair. The new motherwho gives up on the long hair that she loves has my compassion.For example... When do you ever hear well-intentioned hair advicegiven to new mothers that doesn't involve cutting hair shorter? The"baby-grabbing-the-hair" syndrome is a perfect example. Sure, a shorthaircut is one way to address the issue, but the same "out-of-the-way"characteristic can be achieved with long hair if it is either pulledback or put up. How often do you ever hear advice given to new mothersto new mothers to put their long hair up? I have never heard, nor heardof, this possibility ever suggested, not even once. But many people arequick to advise new mothers only that they should cut their long hairshort to remedy this situation.Hoping I'm not digging myself into a deeper hole,Dave
>When I had my first child my hair was between stages so I didn't think of a braid but a haircut with a new style.Later on it was diffirent. YOu have the idea if my hair would have been long at the time I would have felt better if someone would have braided it and put in some babybreaths etc in my hair.
Erika
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> Something new? It is that. Something fresh? If> "fresh" equates to "new," then it> is new. But something exciting?> I'm curious as to the origination of the idea that a> haircut is "exciting." A haircutter trying> to drum up business, perhaps?> DaveI think that it's more getting your hair "done" or fixed up nice than getting it cut. It just happens that, in our culture, getting your hair "done" often involves getting at least some of it cut off. It doesn't really have to, especially if your hair is already long enough to be styled as long hair (with all of those braiding and updo options), but it still often does. I know that I love to get my hair professionally braided, especially in a style I can't do myself. After I have had my hair braided, I feel pretty and, if I was in a bad mood, I often feel better about myself, at least temporarily. In that sense, having my hair professionally braided or put up is "exciting." I think that is what Diane means by the haircut being "exciting."Erika
Dave,I think the whole crux of the matter is that you do not see a short haircut as anything positive. And that's perfectly fine, but you do need to realize that a haircut is a positive factor in some people's lives. It's like trying to explain why you like the color [fill in the blank with green, red, blue, etc] better than another color.Many women who have children simply find that they prefer shorter hair. And I gave some possible reasons why. You may not agree or understand the reasons but you really should acknowledge them.I'll be honest -- I really do prefer long hair. I have short hair now and am not pleased with it. But when I read comments such as yours that really are so one-dimensional that you don't see any other point-of-view, it actually makes short hair not only acceptable but actually a little more appealing! And when I hear people talk about how only a short haircut is feminine on women so that her facial features and head shape are displayed better and how long hair is just a tangly mess then I want to never again cut my hair! Not meant to be a harsh critcism, but when you constantly challenge and refuse to accept reasons why people may prefer short hair, it tends to label you as a militant. Do you understand? I *don't* prefer short hair, yet I understand and appreciate that some do.> I think you meant to say that you didn't mind being> the unique mom with the long hair?Whoops! Yes, thanks for the correction. :-)Jena
> Something new? It is that. Something fresh? If> "fresh" equates to "new," then it> is new. But something exciting?> I'm curious as to the origination of the idea that a> haircut is "exciting." A haircutter trying> to drum up business, perhaps?> DaveI think it is just that it was a diffirent look that made it refreshing for me.But again I didn't cut my hair the second time when I had my second child.Maybe I couldn't find a stylist? lol
> I couldn't resist the temptation of teasing you.> I remember when I had my first child that I felt like> hell.> It didn't matter how much I brush that hair and it> really didn't matter if I bought new clothes or new> makeup I really felt like hell.> Then I got a haircut and a perm and I felt much> better.> Something new, something exciting , something fresh> etc.Something new? It is that. Something fresh? If "fresh" equates to "new," then it is new. But something exciting?I'm curious as to the origination of the idea that a haircut is "exciting." A haircutter trying to drum up business, perhaps?Dave
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