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Struggling the result

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Katie View Drop Down
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    Posted: January 11 2000 at 9:39pm
I want to thank everyone for their responses. I took the advice from the group and talked to my husband, he was not as supportive as I hoped, he really wanted to see me in long hair again.I tried to meet his request, but finally last week I could not handle it anymore. I guess I just like short hair. I went last week to my stylist and got my hair cut, it went from almost a chin length messy bob look to a very short boyish look that is 2 inches on top and extremly short on the sides and back. I did not know what style I wanted so my so I told my stylist to just give me a short haircut, the shorter the better. I was a little shocked at first, but I'm starting to get used to the look, I can tell you all I feel tons better, and I doubt I will never grow it out again. My husband was not only shocked I got it cut, but he also has not talked to me since Friday, I think he thinks I got it cut so short just to get back at him. I guess he does not realize my hair is my hair.
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Jena View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jena Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: January 11 2000 at 9:39pm
When you were dating, did he let you know how important long hair on a woman is to him?Did you let him know how important a super short haircut is to you?I'm just wondering if you both let your true feelings be known to the other before you got married.
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Mark View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Mark Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: January 11 2000 at 9:39pm
>Your husband,should have had you sign an agreement beforeyour wedding day,that you agree to have long hair.A signed and written Pre Nuptial Marriage Contractby you as a lady,would have clarified that your husband,wanted you to grow long hair. Okay it is your hair,buta husband has to look at your hair. Okay you want asolution. I would suggest that you buy a long hair wigfor yourself and that you as a lady wear a long hairwig for your husband. You as a wife,buying and wearinga long hair wig,may convince your husband to talk toyou again. A long hair wig seems to be the only solution,if your want to keep short hair. It appears that yourhusband does not think your super short hair style isfemmine. A large number of husbands, in this country,expect a wife,to honor her husband,by growing long hair.You should have discussed the hair style issue beforeyour wedding day.
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Mark View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Mark Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: January 11 2000 at 9:39pm
> Before the wedding day,a man and lady should discussthe type of hairstyles that each other prefers.It is good for the future husband and the future wife tosign a written Pre Nuptial Hair Based Marriage Contract,on what hair styles are expected during the marriage. More menare now using a written Hair Based Pre Nuptial Agreementto indicated what kind of hair style a lady is willing tohave for her husband. Some of the men,may be satisfiedto have a wife,wear a long haired wig,if she insists onhaving very short hair,during the marriage. A large numberof men are very sensitive on the hair style issue.Many men expect a lady grow out her hair, to waist lengthduring a marriage,as a way for a lady to honor,her husband.Myself, I think if a lady,is willing to wear a long hairwig for me,and want to keep short hair that is fine. Itis only reasonable to ask her to wear a long hair wig whenhusband and wife are together.Most men prefer option 2,in my area. When a lady withshort hair decides to grow it out,the men prefer to cutonly the split ends of the hair to maintain health andmaximum growth. The in between stage of growth is hardfor a lady,and may look awful, but a lady has to realizethat this stage of growth is necessary,if she expects toachieve the long hair she desires. Most men are verysupportive in doing everthing possible in the growingout stage.
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Diane from Canada View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Diane from Canada Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: January 11 2000 at 9:39pm
>Dear Katie:I am so sorry to hear this. I know the stress. Unlike what Mark said my situation was diffirent. My boyfriend was suggesting that I cut my hair.It was the mirror image of what you are going through. Finally we reach a middle ground where we really understood each other.Maybe reaching out and finding something he really loves will bring you to the middle ground .
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Diane from Canada View Drop Down
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>I heard something funny on the news this morning. I learned that in a certain state it is not legal to eat raw bacon.When I read your message I find it as funny as the raw bacon law.Do you know any females that would even agree to sign such a contract? Gee one would have to be pretty desperate.Secondly do you really think it would hold in court?>
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Diane from Canada View Drop Down
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> More men> are now using a written Hair Based Pre Nuptial> Agreement> to indicated what kind of hair style a lady is willing> to> have for her husband.HEy Mark:Which planet did you mention that this so call contract is being used?I would like to know so that I can avoid it .
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Erika View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Erika Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: January 11 2000 at 9:40pm
Hello,Hmm... Well, I'm sorry that your husband reacted to your haircut the way he did.> My> husband was not only shocked I got it cut, but he also> has not talked to me since Friday, I think he thinks I> got it cut so short just to get back at him. I guess> he does not realize my hair is my hair.All I can say is to be extra nice to him, to reassure that you didn't cut it to get back at him. If the love that you share with him is strong, you will find a way through this. I wish you the best of luck. Just a thought: you might want to try taking an interest in something else he really likes. I have never been married, so I don't know for sure, but I have this nagging idea in the back of my head that this might help smooth things over. :-)Erika
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Mark View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Mark Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: January 11 2000 at 9:40pm
>You can look two ways about your hair,Katie. First ofall you can see your hair as a troublesome appendage orSecondly you can see your hair as an enhancement of yourfemale identity,which many men think of long hair as anenhancement of a female identity. You stated that youwent to very short boyish look. Can your husband see apositive female identity in a boyish hair style, thatyou got? The next thing you told your stylist that wanteda hairstyle, that the shorter the hair,the better. Yougave your stylist a free reign,to really cut a lot hairoff. You certainly should have shocked,by that haircut,giving the stylist a free reign to really take off a lotof hair with the barber clippers and scissors. Does yourhusband see a female identity in your boyish look?You had full knowledge that your husband did not want yourhair cut shorter,so why are you now shocked.?
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RiverRat View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote RiverRat Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: January 11 2000 at 9:40pm
Having contracts or agreements, in theory might seem like a solution, but would rarely work. The major obstacle is that people change or like change. When I meet my wife she had butt-length hair. It was one of the things that attracted me to her. After a while, I found the long hair distracting - taking away from her other qualities. After several years it became a short hairstyle. Recently, I have been admiring a mid - length style and wish her to try it. I am one to believe that you should wear a style that you like and that your spouse likes. Most of the time this takes compromise. I gave a little and she gave a little. Possibly, some of the problems could of been avoided if the husband was able to help pick out a style. It might not of been exactly what you wanted but you might be talking now!Actually, the wig thing might work. Why not try a different color wig also and suprise him as if it were another woman. Remember, guys are slim and most would jump at the opportunity to sleep with another women. (hey, I'm a guy - I should know!)
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sanders View Drop Down
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I refuse to believe that you people are serious talking about this contract thing?!Sanders
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sanders View Drop Down
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> I guess he does not realize my hair is my hair.>I think that is the key point. Or better the two key points:1) it is your hair.2) he doesn't realize it.My bet is that he will get used to it. We are no longer in the middle ages where men can tell their wives what to do and how to do it.Sanders
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Diane from Canada View Drop Down
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> I refuse to believe that you people are serious> talking about this contract thing?!> SandersDear Sanders:I am challenging Mark on this issue. You see I am a long hair female . I am a strong pro long hair for myself. I also believe that every woman has her choices in life as it is very personal and I couldn't resist challenging Mark on this issue because we are not items to be obtained. We are real people with real feelings and having long hair or short hair doesn't change how a female feels about herself as a woman.It is totally rideculous to think that hair has anything to do with being feminine or not. It would be like saying that men are not men unless they have a beard or a mustache.Okay I couldn't help myself. It was way to tempting to challenge Mark.
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Mark View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Mark Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: January 11 2000 at 9:40pm
> All I can say women in the middle ages were a lot happierback then, than ladies in this country,are today.The man still has to look at ladies,hair. Lady you shouldhonor your husband,not mislead, decieve and betray yourhusband. The Middle Ages were the happiest time for women,and the men were so nice back then. A lady in theMiddle Ages never had to worry about a beauty shop,and back then,never thought about a haircut. Just thinkof all the money,ladies in the middle ages,saved. The menback then took care of their pretty long hair.
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Diane from Canada View Drop Down
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> When exactly was the middle age? I would like to know which period of the history you are refering to?
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Pam View Drop Down
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> Having contracts or agreements, in theory might seem> like a solution, but would rarely work. The major> obstacle is that people change or like change. When I> meet my wife she had butt-length hair. It was one of> the things that attracted me to her. After a while, I> found the long hair distracting - taking away from her> other qualities. After several years it became a short> hairstyle. Recently, I have been admiring a mid -> length style and wish her to try it. I am one to> believe that you should wear a style that you like and> that your spouse likes. Most of the time this takes> compromise. I gave a little and she gave a little.> Possibly, some of the problems could of been avoided> if the husband was able to help pick out a style. It> might not of been exactly what you wanted but you> might be talking now!> Actually, the wig thing might work. Why not try a> different color wig also and suprise him as if it were> another woman. Remember, guys are slim and most would> jump at the opportunity to sleep with another women.> (hey, I'm a guy - I should know!)I have to agree with riverrat. "Compromise" and "Communication" is the key to any relationship. That is a big mistake in todays soceity. Everyone is so self-absorbedand don't consider anyone else. Pam
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Mark View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Mark Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: January 11 2000 at 9:40pm
>FROM MARKRiver Rat you have the best solution on agreements abouthairstyles,between men and women. I hope all the ladieson the hair board will read,your message about agreementon ladies hair styles. It did not appear Katie,was willingto compromise. You are right River Rat,the hair styleissue on ladies does involve compromise.A lady could wear a long hair extension or she can weara long hair wig,if she does not like the new short hairstyle.
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Mark View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Mark Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: January 11 2000 at 9:41pm
> I think that compromise and communication are necessaryin deciding what hairstyle a ladie should have.When a husband is left totally out,on a decision, for anyhair style,there are most likely going to be a lot ofproblems in the marriage.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Lady Godiva Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: January 11 2000 at 9:41pm
I guess you can't be surprised that he's shocked, but then he shouldn't have been surprised you cut it, either.I'm writing from a slightly uninformed point of view, not having read your earlier post, but only from what I read here. It sounds like at one time you had long hair. Was it before you were married, and then you cut it after marriage?I struggle with this kind of thing, because it seems like long hair attracts husbands, but then the wives cut it all off once they get their men. Sorry if this sounds judgmental; I don't mean it to sound that way, but it's something I've observed women do for over a decade, as I've grown out my hair. It's also an issue recently brought up at another hair site, so it's fresh in my mind, and I'm right now speaking less to you directly than to the issue as a whole. Like I said, I don't know your case in specific, but even if it's not your case, I still feel this way, that long hair is so often used as a tool for catching a man. He trusts that it is a part of her, so when she cuts it off, he feels betrayed. By the time a couple actually weds, one would have to assume they've discussed hair, and he's told her what hers means to him.But I struggle, like I said, because a woman's hair belongs to her alone, and no one has the right to tell her what to do with it. Marriage isn't slavery. If you want it cut short, more power to you, and it sure sounds like you prefer it that way. He has to realize this! Did you tell him first? That would seem to be a respectful thing to do, anyway, to prepare him for the drastic change.As for your husband, sure, he feels betrayed. It would have been better to never have discussed the issue with him, if you weren't going to abide by a joint decision, because now he realizes that his sought-after opinion really meant very little, and he felt built up by your approaching him. He believed you would compromise, as just seeking his thoughts on the matter implied you would. But when push came to shove, you rejected all of that, and I bet he feels somewhat rejected by you, that you betrayed his trust in you. Every time he looks at you, he is reminded of this. Hair is so extremely visible; he can't help seeing it. This is tough on you both.Well, what can you do? Like others have suggested, find something else he is interested in and join him in that pursuit. Don't be surprised if he doesn't trust your genuine interest for a while, so keep at it. Another idea stems from your own words, that you were shocked at your new style's extreme shortness. Perhaps something in between, still a true short hairstyle (above chin length), but not only 2 inches, either? Maybe if there is some overall length, ie. several inches on the outside/top, short underneath?Just some ideas. I truly hope your husband comes around, and I hope you two can come to a true compromise on this.My best wishes to you both,Jennifer Eve
Avatar: Lady Godiva by John Collier, 1898

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Lady Godiva Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: January 11 2000 at 9:41pm
You write as though you lived back then, Mark. Did you interview all the women yourself? I'd love to see the results of that survey.As a history major, I can tell you that the reason we have exremely few records of medieval women's opinions of their lives (which you erroneously assume implies they were happy), is because they were kept illiterate. Not being able to read and write has profound effects on journaling. Let me tell you what happened to women who disagreed with the rigid social structures they were forced into: they had their heads shaved, teeth busted out, were put in stocks, whipped, raped, thrown in jail and burnt at the stake. See, these were the women you didn't get to interview. Ah, such are the glories of the Middle Ages. Yes, I, too, would much prefer that to today's egalitarian society, where I at least have a chance to be recognized as the human being I am, not as chattel, as you consider women to be.I have a warning for you, Mark. Every post you write is so misogynistic that the net result will wind up being the exact opposite from what you appear to intend: women will run in droves to have their hair cut. You can't seriously believe that condescendingly badgering, insulting, judging, and condemning us is going to promt us to cower at your feet and accept your counsel, do you? Hang up your chauvinistic hat. We don't live in the Middle Ages anymore.Jennifer Eve
Avatar: Lady Godiva by John Collier, 1898

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