How should I talk to my stylist?

How does one talk to a stylist? I'm a 40 year old guy, and I know what I want, but I don't know how to ask for it. I get extremely tongue-tied at the salon. What I want is also a little tricky:

My hair is thick, curly and turning gray. Because of the embarrassment I experience in getting my hair cut, I've never known what to say to a stylist. The truth is I don't have the faintest idea of how to "style" my hair. Over the years I've only made things worse with a comb or brush, so I towel it dry as neatly as I can, and that's my best look for the day. For my entire adult life, I have gotten my haircut every 6-8 weeks by mumbling that "I work at such-and-such, make me look presentable."

Amazingly, I have gotten away with this. I apparrently have "good hair." I also have a pretty low sensitivity to appearance stuff. I am colorblind and mildly A.D.D. I don't notice what people look like that much. I don't have much clue how I appear unless I make a really focused effort. So I made up for it by simplifying my hair care as described above.

The truth is, I want to grow my hair long. I don't know how to help the stylist understand how clueless I am. I am in a line of work that would allow a perfectly groomed shoulder-length ponytail as a reasonable eccentricity, but would be harshly judgemental if I looked like a doofus getting there.

The second, I would really like her to dry my hair before cutting it. Is this a reasonable request? The truth is, I would enjoy the haircut more watching it done dry.

Finally, her practice is to sweep up the cut hair into a vacuum slot before she has completely finished. I would really prefer that when it needs to be swept out of the way, she make a pile I can see.

When you get right down to it, my pleasure in getting my hair cut seems to be pretty much in direct proportion to the size of that pile. I want to grow my hair long for the main purpose of having it cut. As a 40 year old guy, I am ashamed to admit this, and not sure how appropriate it is to share that sort of thing with a stylist. I do not want to inadvertantly harass the stylist by saying something inappropriate, or subjecting her (since she is a sort of captive audience) to knowing more about my intimate thoughts than she cares to.

But I don't know how to ask for what I want either. It's pretty uncomfortable to talk about, and I react pretty strongly even to thinking about it.

I welcome your suggestions.

Hi KAB...

Thanks for a good suggestion. In some ways, I would actually prefer the ambiance of a barbershop.

But, I am not willing to go to a male barber. I just prefer attractive women for such intimate contact. And while I get tongue tied and embarrassed trying to discuss this with a female stylist, I simply CAN'T admit my preferences to another guy (outside of therapy, anyway). The emotions run pretty deep on this.

And even if I could find an attractive woman barber, I still would have to deal with all the issues described above.

Thanks again for your comments. Where are all the stylists on this board?

Thanks for your comments.

In response to

"If you called for an appointment and in the conversation you say….I’m quoting you here…**“I just prefer attractive women for such intimate contact.” ** It would send up a red flag and I would have to wonder what your true motives were."

and

"I say lighten up, consider it a fun experience, don’t focus so much on the actual physical part of the cut, but enjoy the end result."

I am trying to be discreet here, but the honest truth is that getting my hair cut is ALWAYS a sexually charged experience. Since it is pretty obvious to me that most people do not think this way, I have remained "in the closet" about this interest my entire life. It is only in the past few years that I loosened up enough to admit to myself what is going on and to seek out an attractive stylist... I spent over a decade repressing the thoughts and going to a barbershop run by an old Italian guy.

To me, as a person, the actual physical part of the haircut is far more important than how I look. I really just haven't ever cared about my appearance. While I am (intellectually) aware enough to know that my appearance has career implications, it requires tremendous effort on my part to pay attention to things like that. Imagine somebody who hates politics being forced to pay attention to C-Span.

On top of that I have experienced incredible shame for over 25 years over my "weirdness." It's only in the past 10 years, through the miracle of the internet, that I have realized that I am not alone in this. I also have a strong desire to not harass or impose on the stylist.

So I find myself in a tough spot figuring out how to behave appropriately in this situation. I really appreciate the feedback I am getting, but I have a ways to go before this is all worked out for me.

And yes, I have been in therapy for years on this one.

Sophie-

Thanks for your comments. The answer to your question is somewhere between the two choices you offered. You are correct that it is inappropriate to indulge my fantasies. And so, fearing that I would be acting inappropriately, I have never asked for the haircut experience that I want.

What I seem to be having difficulty explaining is that I do NOT know what is appropriate. So I err on the side of not making any sort of request, out of fear that it might be inappropriate and shame that that I am "weird" about having the reactions that I have when I get my hair cut.

People obviously make choices about what salon or stylist to go to based both on what kind of cut they walk out with and whether they find the experience enjoyable. For whatever reasons, I respond very strongly to having my hair cut and that makes it hard for me to understand what is a reasonable request anybody might make in order to enjoy the experience, and what is an unreasonable imposition.

Not sure what you mean about not being "ready." After a couple of decades of adulthood, I am slowly coming to realize that I might be able to make some modest request that would make it a better experience for me. Rather than confronting a stylist with my reasons, which would certainly be an imposition, I am asking people who I hope would be both sensitive to the difficulty I am facing and at a safe enough distance that they can comfortably offer some advice.

I apologize if this discussion is making anybody uncomfortable. I am trying to be as courteous and as discreet as I can about the situation, but it is something that runs pretty close to the core of human experience. After all, cutting someone's hair has been symbolic of exercising power over them since biblical times.

Thanks again for your input.