Double Standard
Printed From: HairBoutique.com
Category: Hair Talk
Forum Name: Hair Politics
Forum Description: The politics of Hair is a slippery slope...
URL: https://talk.hairboutique.com/forum_posts.asp?TID=8782
Printed Date: February 08 2025 at 7:49pm
Topic: Double Standard
Posted By: Rod
Subject: Double Standard
Date Posted: June 17 2003 at 2:49pm
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I had this discussion with a female friend awhile back. She said that for a husband/boyfriend to have a say in how his wife/girlfriend wore her hair or dressed was controlling and weird. A few other people around, especially two women, agreed. I asked her if she had a say in how her husband wore his hair and dressed. She replied, "of course. I buy all his clothes. I tell him how I like his hair." The guys in the conversation were fine with it. After all, they want their wife/girlfriend to like how they look and they don't like shopping much anyway. The women thought it was normal. If they left such decisions up to men, they'd look awful. A few times I've known women who've dated guys with longer messy hair or unfashionable clothes and decided he needed to be cleaned up. If a guy made this decision, it might be seen as controlling. |
Replies:
Posted By: Unregistered Guest
Date Posted: June 17 2003 at 7:31pm
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True enough Rod. Not all men let their women pick their clothes for them though or tell them how to wear their hair. I've let my wife pick out clothes before for me but I have let her know I will return the clothes if I don't like them. Men have a right to exercise that option, and I'm sure rational women would agree with that. |
Posted By: Rod
Date Posted: June 17 2003 at 9:17pm
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I'm the same way. I like it when a woman I date tells me what she likes on me, whether it's hair, clothing, or cologne. That's considered normal. My point is that when a guy tells a woman, many consider it weird. I had one woman tell me that since I thought hair was the sexiest part of a woman, I must be gay. |
Posted By: tina m
Date Posted: June 17 2003 at 9:23pm
Well as long as you like the rest of the woman as well as her hair Rod, I don't think you are gay. .....and you have indicated that you like all of the woman, so I think you are pretty hetrosexual Rod!-(tee hee)-  ------------- tina |
Posted By: tina m
Date Posted: June 17 2003 at 9:27pm
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I know you write alot on the short haired board too Rod about your girlfriends and how you like short haired women, which is cool. I would mention too guys that as a woman I know better than to try to force a guy to wear certain clothes. I will sometimes suggest. The same should go visa-versa. A man should be able to suggest to a lady but shouldn't pressure her too much. ------------- tina |
Posted By: Sophie
Date Posted: June 18 2003 at 7:27pm
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My husband purchased a shirt on his own for the first time in 18 years...that is to say completely without guidance. He has never had any interest in shopping for his own clothes. He would let me know, if I purchased something and he didn't like it. But He's pretty easy to buy for. I was very impressed with his lone shopping excursion, though...I loved it!   He did well...it was only a shirt...I will add, that yes I'm considerate of his feelings as far as my wardrobe.....But mainly because he has never cared what I wear, He truly leaves the fashion thing up to me. I would not respond well to a man telling me what HE thought I should wear. It depends on the relationship between two people....But in my job, I have seen some controling others wanting to sit in on the consults and in some cases take over the whole situation. ------------- Sophie http://salonwest.proboards34.com - http://salonwest.proboards34.com |
Posted By: Rod
Date Posted: June 18 2003 at 8:34pm
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Sophie, many guys are like your husband. They give control of their fashion to their wives and are very happy to do it. Likewise, they don't show a lot of interest in their wives fashion. Maybe that's why it's acceptable. >.But in my job, I have seen some controling others wanting to sit in on the consults and in some cases take over the whole situation. Most people don't consider this acceptable. That's what interests me. If the man is bossy or difficult, that's a problem for the stylist. Of course, many women are bossy and difficult themselves, so it isn't a lot different. If the guy is telling the wife what to do and she disagrees, but dutifully follows I have a problem with that. But let's face it. Some guys are into hair. If the wife knows this is what makes him happy, and she's okay with it, it's a small thing to give control over this thing. To the wives, it isn't that different than the husband handling the finances. Sophie, is this in your experience? |
Posted By: Unregistered Guest
Date Posted: June 18 2003 at 10:57pm
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I constantly tell my wife what to do with her hair. She, of course, is free to ignore me or tell me to shut up if she wants. She is in "ignore" mode these days, as she likes her pixie, and couldn't care less that I want her to grow it out. Of course, she wouldn't have the pixie if I hadn't finally talked her into cutting off her long hair in 2001 (I'd started begging in '98). Then again, she wouldn't have had it long then if I hadn't encouraged her to grow it, starting in 1994. She wouldn't have needed to grow it long that time if she hadn't let me cut it off for her in '93. That was after having begged her to grow it out from the previous time I had cut it off around 1989. What a woman. She is why I am: Mr. Happy |
Posted By: Gally3d
Date Posted: June 20 2003 at 6:42pm
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As far as I am concerned, as long as my bf doesn't have BAD hair (aka.. mullet.. skullet.. or anything from the 70's lol) He can do whatever the heck he wants. It's amazing how you can grow to like a style you've hated when it's worn by the right person :) ------------- |
Posted By: duke
Date Posted: June 23 2003 at 2:52pm
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I've suspected as much. It's silly, but it seems that if a girl tells a dude he could improve his hair, he'll not be particularly insulted or anything. But it seems rather bold these days for a dude to tell a girl she should do anything to her hair, lest she be all insulted and think he's sexist or insensitive. Fact is, some things that guys like on themselves, girls may not and the other way around. For example, if a girl gets a short, choppy pixie cut, the other ladies may be struck by how "cute" or "dramatic" it is, while guys may lament that she has cut off her crowning glory of long, cascading, feminine tresses. Anyway, what I think is, no double standards. If you're close to (at least friendly) with someone of the opposite sex, I think it should be okay to suggest they may look better with different hair or at least insinuate it, as long as you're polite and don't expect the other person to change. Several times, a close friend of mine has expressed surprise that I have let my hair grow "long" (from a bland short back and sides haircut that exposed my face too much to a chin-length bob), with a likely insinuation that I looked better before. I have no intention to get a haircut because of this, yet am not insulted in the least bit by her comment. Now, I have a big urge to ask her why she streaks her hair, to tell her (nicely and humorously) there's nothing wrong with the natural color of her hair and thus insinuate that she should stop streaking it. But so far, I have not dared do so for fear of hurting/insulting her! I think it has something to do with the fact that women have only recently been freed from male dominance and therefore may not be too keen on hearing from guys that they "should" do something, assuming they want to control them. Also, I see a boyfrend-girlfriend bond/marriage as a mutual thing, and therefore think that neither partner should pressure the other to look a certain way, but that it's considerate to keep a look that your partner likes if you are not uncomfortable or desperate for a change (in which you should try, I think not to make yourself repulsive to your partner). But don't expect to change your partner - if they do accept to make a change, that's a really nice gesture, I think, which should be appreciated. Say, Gally, what's a skullet? A mullet with the short top shaven completely off? :D ------------- |
Posted By: Unregistered Guest
Date Posted: June 24 2003 at 2:45pm
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My wife and I were married about a year ago. As long as I've known her, she has had long hair. She took very good care of it and spent the time to style it in a variety of ways. I especially liked it when we would go to a formal events and she wore it up. It was very pretty. We spent Memorial Day weekend with her family. She has three sisters. One of them, Tara, could be her twin because they look so much alike. Another sister, Beth, is a hairstylist. During the weekend Tara asked Beth to cut her hair short. My wife liked it and decided she wanted hers cut the same way. I didn't like the way it looked on Tara, therefore, I knew it wouldn't be flattering to my wife. I asked her not to do it but I had to be careful not to say anything bad about Tara's haircut so as not to offend the sisters-in-law. They immediately started badgering me about men only liking women with long hair and demanded that I let my wife do what she pleases with her hair. I defended my position saying that I didn't forbid her to cut her hair. Rather, I simply asked her not to do it... ...big difference. Ultimately, she decided to cut it but not as short as Tara's. Instead, she cut it to just below her chin, about a foot shorter than it was. She asked me how I liked it after. I, of course, said that it looked nice so as not to create a scene. The truth is, I hated it. I hate the way this haircut makes her look and I think her sister has no business cutting hair. My wife is beautiful, but this haircut is completely unflattering. We're going to visit again on July 4th and she's decided that she wants Beth to cut it short all over. She says it's at an awkward length now and difficult to style. I've asked her not to do it but she seems to have made up her mind and has already asked Beth to bring her haircutting stuff. When I told her that I don't like the haircut she had gotten, she was a little put off that I hadn't said anything sooner. I told her I didn't like Tara's hair either and that I wanted her to grow it long again. She is determined to go for the short haircut. She wanted to know what I didn't like about Tara's haircut and started searching the internet for short hairstyles so that I could pick one that I liked better. She showed me several styles on this site so I decided to post a message. I work with several women who have short hairstyles that look great on them. I even got the name of one of their stylists. I don't think Beth is capable of giving my wife a short haircut that looks good. I want her to go to someone who won't make her look like Rosie O'Donnell. I've told her I'm afraid she'll look ugly if Beth cuts her hair but she thinks I'm just trying to keep her from cutting it shorter. I've offered to make the appointment and drive her to the hair place and tell them to cut her hair short. She says she thinks I'm being stupid and says that Beth will do a good job. Should I put my foot down and insist she go to someone else? I'm sort of planning to show her this message and any replies... Brian |
Posted By: uzma
Date Posted: June 24 2003 at 3:58pm
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I am torn on this issue.. On the one hand……. I want my partner to find me attractive. I want to be desired by my lover on every level, most specially the physical level, no matter how superficial that may sound. If I was about to do something that would turn my lover off, or make him less turned on, I would want him to tell me quite openly, yet sensitively, that the choice I was about to make would not be an attractive one in his eyes. If my partner were about to get his head shaved and I knew that it would be a sexual turn-off to me, then I would be serving nobody by keeping that opinion to myself. I would tell him gently and clearly. On the other hand…….. If I get involved with someone in future, he will know my hair goals (terminally long hair). If the relationship moves along a few years and he starts insisting that he wants me to cut my hair because he would find it attractive – I’m gone and he’s history. No deal. Concluding……… I think my own vision of myself is of primary importance. My lover’s attractedness to me is of secondary importance. If the two visions correspond than there you have a happy partnership. If the partners are willing to compromise a little of their vision to please each other – fair enough. If the lovers are diametrically opposed in their desires for one or both of them, then there is gonna be trouble ….errr …Trouble!!!!! ------------- Uzi |
Posted By: Rod
Date Posted: June 24 2003 at 4:44pm
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Saving Brian's marriage... Brian, you two have gotten into a fight, one that you need to diffuse soon. First, assure your wife that she is the hottest thing around. You find her totally sexy and think about her all the time. I'm assuming this is true, and if it is women like to hear it. Tell her she can be really hot with short hair. You'd like her to grow it long again, some day, but since she's cut it short there's a hairstyle you think she'd look great in. Show her the style. Tell her how it would turn you on. Make an appointment at your friend's salon. Drive her there. Pay for it. If she wants a little color, pay for that too. You'll both be happy with this style. She'll have tried something new and you'll think she's sexy. Relationships are about compromise. You'd rather her have long hair, but you're cool with short hair. She should be willing to compromise on who does it as long as she thinks looks good on her. For a relationship to work, she has to take into account your input and you listen to what she wants. I hope she decides on a haircut based not only on what she wants, but on what turns you on. Oh. And don't insist or put your foot down. That's the surest way to get anyone upset. In a healthy relationship, you don't make the rules and neither does she. You both do. |
Posted By: Sophie
Date Posted: June 24 2003 at 7:14pm
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Wow Rod, very wise advise. ------------- Sophie http://salonwest.proboards34.com - http://salonwest.proboards34.com |
Posted By: demodoll
Date Posted: June 24 2003 at 8:10pm
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My husband has been through so many hairstyles with me (many real bad, I might add) that he has basically given up and is trying to just be supportive no matter what I end up doing (and how unhappy it makes me). He likes long hair but I just don't have the kind of hair that looks good long. He doesn't want me to ask his opinion any more though because he says I never follow his advise so why should he give it. He did pin a picture of me with longer hair up on the refrigerator recently which I think means that he prefers that style. I appreciate him letting me experiment and not making me feel worse about the screw ups. I think that many women need to experiment to find the right style for the way they look and the way they live and it is nice to have a man who will just let you do whatever and love you anyway. No one can be controlled unless they allow it. Control is a two way street. And hair is only hair afterall, it will grow back. It doesn't define what kind of person we are. And that is the most important thing in a real relationship. Rod has great advise. That whole scenario at the friend's salon could become quite erotic. Go for it! ------------- "It is better to look marvelous than to feel marvelous" Billy Crystal |
Posted By: tina m
Date Posted: June 24 2003 at 8:21pm
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Hair to me is not that important. When I met my ex-husband,..... I had already by then cut my hair short, but he wanted it shorter. I feel I can look pretty good in any length of hair, so I cut it shorter, it wasn't that important to me. I actually liked the look so I kept my hair very short. My ex also liked me to wear certain lingerie for him so I did. Not a problem. Same thing with the woman I am with now Kathy. If she wanted me to grow my hair a little longer, not a problem I would. She has never asked me, we like each other's hair the way it is, but I would. Like my ex, she likes me in certain lingerie, so I wear it. She does things for me, so did my ex. So it isn't a problem. Why not do things to turn each other on! It makes it more fun, sexy, and exciting! Unless the request is REALLY outrageous, I have a healthy enough ego that it doesn't bother me to please my lover. There are certain things I would draw the line on however, I don't believe ANYTHING goes! ------------- tina |
Posted By: Unregistered Guest
Date Posted: June 25 2003 at 10:19am
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>>Tell her she can be really hot with short hair. My wife is beautiful and I tell her all the time. I've already resigned myself to the fact that she wants to cut her hair. I simply want her to have the best short haircut she can get. Her sister is not, in my opinion, a gifted hairstylist and will not give her a haircut that will look good. Beth cut my hair one time and it looked bad. My wife suggested I go to the girl who normally cuts my hair to get it fixed because she admitted it looked 'wierd' and did't lay right. I've been trying to tell my wife the same thing and asked her to stay far away from Beth and her scissors. >>Show her the style. Tell her how it would turn you on. My wife's hair is not what turns me on... However, I think it is very common for an otherwise attractive person to get bad haircut that makes them look, well, goofy.  Unfortunately, that can be a turn-off. One of the things I liked so much about her long hair is that she spent the time to make it look perfect no matter how she wore it. Even if it was just a ponytail there was not a hair out of place and she would put something in it to make it look pretty. She has always looked glamorous, classy and beautiful to me but right now she doesn't. She looks like she got a bad haircut and it detracts from her beauty. It's like the difference between a perfectly tailored designer outfit and an off-the-rack polysester thing from K-Mart that's too small. I want her to have a great hairstyle rather than a bad haircut. I just want her to look glamorous again and it has nothing to do with her having long or short hair. >>Make an appointment at your friend's salon. She won't go... she wants her sister to cut her hair because she doesn't want to offend her by going elsewhere. I suggested she just tell Beth that she was so excited to get her hair cut short that she couldn't wait until July 4th weekend. She said no... I'm upset that she's putting her sister's feelings before mine, her husband. >>And don't insist or put your foot down. Honestly, I didn't really have any intention of doing that. I can't... I'm going to have her read this and hope she will understand. Every time I try to explain how I feel about it, she dismisses me as being silly or blaming Beth for talking her into cutting off her hair. We haven't really 'fought' about this yet but I am getting upset to the point that I think we might. I've written her a note which I intend to leave it for her with some flowers so she can read it completely and in private. This way, maybe she won't feel so compelled to get defensive, argue or simply think I'm being petty. I admit, maybe I am being petty but I feel she should be willing to compromise as well. |
Posted By: Rod
Date Posted: June 25 2003 at 3:17pm
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< Another hair politic - offending someone If there's a choice between a better haircut or offending someone, choose the better haircut. A stylist shouldn't be offended if you're honest with them and tell them you were unhappy with the last haircut and decided to try someone else. Most won't, even if they are your sister. I'd be offended if a friend or sibling thought I wasn't the best and still used my services. I'm offended if someone lies to me and tells me my work is good, when it's not. Be honest! Once you start lying to spare someone's feelings you have an dishonest relationship. Just don't be brutal. There are two ways of telling someone you're unhappy and the soft sell is better. |
Posted By: Unregistered Guest
Date Posted: June 26 2003 at 8:20pm
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My wife surprised me... She decided to call the salon to make an appointment with the stylist that was recommended by my coworker. She was actually able to get in late this afternoon due to a cancellation. I got home from work this evening and found nobody home. I decided to make dinner and called her cell phone to see when she would be home. She told me she was on her way but said nothing more. About 20 minutes later she popped in the front door with a new hairdo. She had it cut and colored. Although it's cut very short, I think she looks awesome. The saga has ended peacefully... |
Posted By: Rod
Date Posted: June 26 2003 at 10:25pm
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Brian, glad it ended well. How long was it after her sister cut it and how is it styled now? Would like to hear your wife's point-of-view. ------------- |
Posted By: Unregistered Guest
Date Posted: June 28 2003 at 4:07am
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Well, it kind of depends on the guy. I've had boyfriends who I would go to the mall with, leave them in a fitting room, and pick out clothes to bring back for them. Alot of men dont really care what style the clothes are as long as they are comfy. Now, some guys are just really picky(like me:)) I dont follow any particular fashion trends, so my look is sort of a punk/goth/GQ thing. I have very particualr tastes, so that would not work for me. Most of the time when my boyfriends buy me clothes, I just say thank you and return it later. |
Posted By: Unregistered Guest
Date Posted: June 28 2003 at 4:08am
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Well, it kind of depends on the guy. I've had boyfriends who I would go to the mall with, leave them in a fitting room, and pick out clothes to bring back for them. Alot of men dont really care what style the clothes are as long as they are comfy. Now, some guys are just really picky(like me:)) I dont follow any particular fashion trends, so my look is sort of a punk/goth/GQ thing. I have very particualr tastes, so that would not work for me. Most of the time when my boyfriends buy me clothes, I just say thank you and return it later. |