Sudden rudeness
Printed From: HairBoutique.com
Category: Long Hair Happenings
Forum Name: Long Hair Support
Forum Description: Growing it long takes commitment and support.
URL: https://talk.hairboutique.com/forum_posts.asp?TID=884
Printed Date: August 03 2025 at 9:11pm
Topic: Sudden rudeness
Posted By: Viktoria
Subject: Sudden rudeness
Date Posted: February 10 2004 at 10:32am
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I have a situation I really donīt know how to handle. A person close to me (a woman nearly my age), someone Iīve known almost all my life, is suddenly starting to pick, very meanly, on my appearance! Maybe the length of my hair has nothing to do with it, but it never happened before. And it has just escalated, as my hair has reached waistlevel. I donīt make a big deal out of my hair, but I do take special care of it, and of course those intimate with me notice. Perhaps I have also, in the process, become more aware of what I want and what I donīt want. I am more confident, I guess, not because of my hair, but because of what I have learned from the process of growing it. Anyone else experience anything like this? How did you handle it? ------------- The more you complain, the longer God lets you live. |
Replies:
Posted By: uzma
Date Posted: February 10 2004 at 3:10pm
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Hi Viktoria Im sorry that you are facing such a reaction. It is the height of rudeness for anyone to make disparaging comments on the appearance of another, and seeing as this is a close friend, it is adding hurt into the mix. I have experienced an escalation of such comments as my hair gets longer, too. I put it down to fear and sometimes jealously. I feel that long hair adds an element of beauty to a person, and as it gets to a length where it cannot be ignored, or is worn in a way that displays the length, the owner may become subject to criticism. That happens for a variety of reasons conformism, gender issues, anti-beauty feminism, ageism, etc. Im glad you are confident about yourself and your appearance. Please do not let your friend knock you down. I suggest you gently, yet firmly, confront her and ask her why she is so concerned about your appearance. You might tell her that you are very happy with the way you look and find it odd that others are not comfortable with that. If she persists, perhaps you can ask her what she gains by her criticisms except putting the friendship under strain? Ive done this many a time. Its painful, but it resolved matters, eventually. They shut up  !Best of luck and hugs, Uzi ------------- Uzi |
Posted By: hipjazz
Date Posted: February 10 2004 at 4:40pm
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you made an interesting comment, about things you've learned from the process of growing your hair out. would you (and others who can relate) mind elaborating on that? i'm curious about the ways that such an apparently purely superficial action can affect your character--or reveal previously unseen aspects of it. |
Posted By: Debbie
Date Posted: February 10 2004 at 4:53pm
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Victoria- I am sorry that you are going through this strange behavior with someone that is suppose to be a friend! Just give it some time and maybe she will calm down? Also, Hi Uzma- welcome back! Just my two cents worth. I am hopeing this post is making sense. If not, I tried! Debbie ------------- There is more to life than hair...Come on---Go get a life!!!!!!! |
Posted By: Lalaithial
Date Posted: February 10 2004 at 5:51pm
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When you feel beautiful, you become confident. When you're confident in your own beauty, people get nervous. People are so used to hearing "oh I'm so fat, Oh I'm having a bad hairday" That when someone is happy with themselves they don't know what to do, usually they respond the way your friend does and it's really sad that she feels so uncomfortable with herself. What kind of insults is she throwing around? If it's really starting to get hurtful I'd ditch her for a while. If it's only really petty stuff just shrug and tell her you like it the way it is or that you've gotten a lot of compliments about it so you don't know what she's talking about. Whatever you do, don't lose your confidence, I'd rather have one friend that makes me feel good then a million who make me feel bad. ------------- |
Posted By: Ally
Date Posted: February 11 2004 at 12:56am
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I agree! Some women are very intimidated by other, confident women, and their jealousy manifests itself as spite, insults, or subtly undermining behaviors. Is your friend making gentle suggestions that seem earnest and helpful, or is she being a little cruel and hurting your feelings? Someone who genuinely wants to help will usually try to criticize in the most constructive way possible. ------------- |
Posted By: Viktoria
Date Posted: February 17 2004 at 12:50pm
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Thank you all for your encouraging support and wisdom! Well Hipjazz, I think Lalaithial answered your question for me. For me, these last few years have been a journey of making decisions for myself about my life, without making sideglances to what others might think. I gave up a promising career to become a writer, and it has cost me some relationships. And as anyone knows who has come into her- or himself and, as Lalaithial says, stops complaining all the time, seems to become a threat in a way. I think, most of all, people are afraid of change. And people who change are therefor scary. Ally asked about the nature of these comments. Well, lets put it this way, if I took them seriously, Iīd have to make an appointment with a plastic surgeon! After having given this some more thought, I think it is all about fear and perhaps jealousy on her part, but Iīm not going to make that my problem. I have a new goal for 2004: to learn how to get instantly angry and say when enough is enough, instead of pulling away and wondering whatīs wrong with *me*! And Uzma, itīs wonderful to see that you are back! ------------- The more you complain, the longer God lets you live. |
Posted By: tropical
Date Posted: February 28 2004 at 9:55am
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hello viktoria hopefully you like your hair the way it is and basically if thats you in the picture you look good and basically dont worry about what other woman think individuality counts more than anything and if we were all the same things would get pretty confusing pretty quick , hopefully you like my post ------------- |
Posted By: StyleGuy
Date Posted: February 28 2004 at 11:37am
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I'm coming in late on this discussion, but I thought I'd add my thoughts. Viktoria, you mentioned in the first paragraph that you weren't sure if your friends criticism was the result of your long hair. I didn't see any subsequent messages that confirmed or denied that. But something seems strange to me. If hair is causing a problem between friends, there is something else going on here. Yet, perhaps because this is a hair board, most responders seemed to jump on this as if it were the truth. I wonder if it isn't best, rather than assume it is/was the length or your hair, to simply ask your friend if something is bothering her? It might indeed be your hair. It might not. True, she may not be forthcoming, but then a friend who's not going to tell you the truth about why they're being critical of you is not really a good friend. Until you know exactly what the problem is, any solution you use may be a solution to the wrong problem. BTW, have you read, Right to Write, by Judith Cameron? Wonderful reading. Good Luck. ------------- |
Posted By: tropical
Date Posted: February 29 2004 at 4:09am
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Hello i would just like to say that i think a womans hair is pretty important to them woman its kinda like a symbol of creativity , all men and all woman are all different and unique in there special ways . ------------- |
Posted By: tropical
Date Posted: February 29 2004 at 4:16am
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Hello there basically just to say that i was expressing my opinion thats all ------------- |
Posted By: Viktoria
Date Posted: February 29 2004 at 10:08am
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Hello there, Tropical and StyleGuy! Thank you for your posts, you are very supportive and sweet, Tropical. And StyleGuy, you are right about me being a bit sensitive and perhaps overreactive about my hair, but then, for some people, it seems to be a bit provocing with someone who doesnīt cut their hair. I think it has something to do with mainstream culture and undfullfilled childhood dreams. I have friends who will get very offended if I, for instance, donīt notice that they got their hair cut, or colored, or whatever. They will tell me. But noone ever gives me a compliment for a new hairstyle, or for achieving a certain length I have been wanting. Instead, mosttimes I talk about my hair, I get the "donīt brag"-look. And I shut up. Why do you think I come here? I need support from long haired people who understands me. I have talked to my friend, and she says Iīm oversensitive (basically: "I never said that."). But I have also heard that sheīs been rude to other friends as well. So I guess she owns the problem. Still, it always hurts to see a friend leave, and create a lot of problems on the way. I guess noone hurts us like the people that knows us the best. And thanks for the book tip, Iīll check it out. ------------- The more you complain, the longer God lets you live. |
Posted By: StyleGuy
Date Posted: February 29 2004 at 10:56am
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Viktoria, I'm sorry about the way things have turned out with your friend. It is always difficult to see a friend leave, causing problems as they do. I don't believe that you are too sensitive, nor do I think you overreacted. I just thought you might want to confirm that your friend's difficulty wasn't coming from some other place. By doing that, you can, as you said, `let her own the problem.' Yes, it is nice to find the support here that you need. I hope you can find the same kind of support among your friends as well. Now I'll leave you with a compliment. Judging from the picture in your icon, you are indeed very beautiful with your long hair. I can't imagine why anyone would think otherwise! ------------- |
Posted By: Caill
Date Posted: March 10 2004 at 2:59pm
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Hi Viktoria! Some of the things you have said I total understand! Most of the time when I get a hair cut or high lights no one notices but my boyfriend! But he knows that I'm fanatical about my hair! And that I have gone to the hairdressers! As for your friend, she sounds like that the problem is with her. When she wants to talk she will! 
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